hwarium: (santa woozi)
hwa ([personal profile] hwarium) wrote in [community profile] 17hols2021-11-25 01:04 pm

2022 Round 1: Quotes

Status: Closed
This round has closed. It remains open for fills, comments and remixes, but prompts are no longer accepted.
Seventeen Holidays
Round 1: Quotes


About

"If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more."

"What is grief, if not love persevering?"

"You kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath"

Calling all readers, lovers of poetry and music, screen and stage. Quote collecters and lyric hoarders, unleash your archive. Each prompt must contain a quote - you can combine them, add commentary, link to articles, and more. Steal from a literary classic, or WeVerse drama. Have fun!


Examples


Minghao + Ocean Vuong
The most beautiful part of your body
is where it's headed. & remember,
loneliness is still time spent
with the world.

Ocean Vuong - night sky with exit wounds

Hoshi/Anyone; "Beauty is terror"
Thinking about these two quotes together and the idea of on/off-stage personas:

"Beauty is terror. Whatever we call beautiful we tremble before it. And what could be more terrifying or beautiful, to the Greeks to to our own, than to lose control completely?" - Donna Tartt, the Secret Histories

"I am calm in everyday life but when I put on my in-ear device and step on stage, I can feel the tension and hear the cheers getting louder as the music gets louder. When the staff tells me it's time to step on stage, I feel something boil inside me. I feel it steaming inside and I think I have to give a burst of something, spill what is inside me." - Hoshi in Hit the Road Ep. 04


Any ship; "It's been so many years"
Hello, hello there, is this Martha?
This is old Tom Frost
And I am calling long distance
Don't worry 'bout the cost.
'Cause it's been forty years or more
Now Martha please recall
Meet me out for coffee
Where we'll talk about it all.

Tom Watts - Martha

Rules
  • Sign up is not required.
  • Fills have a minimum of 400 words for prose, haiku-length for poetry (3 lines), and 400px by 400px for art (memes are also art). Other mediums are fine too!
  • There is no maximum cap.
  • Tag and provide content warnings at your discretion, but a good guide are the Ao3 four (Graphic Depictions of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage) and this list of common CWs (cr: SportsFest).
  • NSFW/Explicit content should be tagged
  • NSFW art should not be visible, please provide a link and a warning. You may crop the artwork and embed a SFW preview.

How it works


Prompting
  1. Click on [Post a New Comment] at the bottom of this post;
  2. Change the subject to something interesting;
  3. Copy+Paste the following HTML into your comment and edit the sections. Feel free to add as much detail as you want!

Filling
  1. Reply to the original prompt;
  2. Change the subject to [FILL], you may add a title or stay chaotic;
  3. Copy+Paste the following HTML into your comment, edit the sections, and add your text.

    You may also upload your fill to the AO3 Collection.

Remixing
  1. Post as a reply to the fill you are remixing, using the same HTML as above;
  2. Change the subject to [REMIX].
Art/media
  1. Upload your work to any platform (twitter, imgur, youtube, soundcloud, google maps, etc.)
  2. Using the same HTML code as above, copy the link into your fill or remix. That's it!
  3. Optionally, you can embed a picture into your comment. Please use the following code instead.

    (To explain, the HTML resizes your picture to 400x400px so that it fits on most screens. Users can view the full size if they click on it. You can also add a link to your work on twitter so that others can share it, or to any other website you want)

Note!
On dreamwidth, you can't edit a comment once someone has replied to it.
Navigation



klav: (Default)

Re: [FILL] we all complete

[personal profile] klav 2021-12-27 09:44 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh my god this is stunning. It's awful, evocative, vivid, painful... there are so many lines that struck me. How many times Mingyu can say "We could have saved them" before Minghao takes this piece of rebar and sticks it through his throat. and Instead he just closes his eyes and remembers what Mingyu used to sound like, back before the air was hot, back when he would touch him. - wow!! The inevitability of the end is so clear and terrifying in this piece, the fire so real and close-up. I loooved it, thank you so much!!
blankpostit: (Default)

[FILL] can't get caught chasing memories

[personal profile] blankpostit 2021-12-27 09:48 pm (UTC)(link)
Ship/Member: hoshi/wonwoo
Major Tags: soonyoung-centric, friends (in love) to strangers, angst
Additional Tags: non-idols AU, what if snwu gave up the one thing that makes them work (communication), emotional constipation, pining, jeonghan as soonyoung's jiminy cricket
Permission to remix: yes!

soonyoung isn't really the pining type but he is someone with /a lot/ of feelings and that's always interesting to explore. :') title from merry bad ending by the boyz.


***

it appears when soonyoung least expects it. at first, it’s an itch more than anything, nothing worth worrying about.

and then it gets worse.

wonwoo’s absence starts growing inside soonyoung animal, eating up pieces of him from time to time and stealing air from his lungs when he’s inside the subway and sees a pair of glasses that look familiar in a face that isn’t the one he wishes to see. as if wonwoo is still a train or bus away and not across the ocean. as if wonwoo wasn’t already out of reach even before boarding that plane months ago.

last month (or was it last week? soonyoung’s perception of time can’t be trusted these days because it all looks the same to him: go to work, dance until his legs refuse to move, go home, sleep, repeat.), jeonghan told soonyoung he thought wonwoo was running, but when asked from what, he couldn’t say; though he looked like he knew. soonyoung didn’t pry but curiosity followed him back home, spoke to him despite his attempts of shutting it down. if wonwoo is the one on the run, why is it soonyoung that can’t seem to catch his own breath?




on some nights, soonyoung can’t sleep. were this a year ago, he would’ve simply called wonwoo and talked to him until his brain finally shut down. were this a year ago, their last exchange on kkt would’ve been a few hours prior. right now it’s been months since the last time the two of them had a proper conversation.

(that’s just just life, isn’t it? nothing big happened, people just grow apart. isn’t it time to get used to these things?)

soonyoung shuffles in bed, warm skin meeting cold sheets. he grabs his phone from under a pillow and unlocks it only to stare at wonwoo’s contact information as if those pixels could offer him a solution to a problem he can't even name.

(“can't or won't?” the imaginary jeonghan living inside soonyoung’s head asks. just like the one in real life, this one sounds kind and sweet. and just like the one in real life, this one can read him like no one else can. “aren't you kind of running away too, soonyoungie?”).

“i miss you,” he says to the small photo of wonwoo on his phone screen. it feels pathetic and soonyoung wishes he could do more -- for himself, for whatever’s left of his friendship with wonwoo, but he’s made more than enough moves for the past few months.

a year ago, soonyoung would’ve known exactly what to make of wonwoo's long silences. he'd break through them, switch places, get wonwoo to talk while he listens. soonyoung has always loved listening to everyone and wonwoo a bit more than the rest. lately he can barely remember what wonwoo sounds like.

“i miss you so much, wonwoo-yah,” he speaks again in a rather pitiful tone and, of course, nothing happens. with a press of his thumb, he locks the screen again and puts the device back under the pillow.

a deep sigh forces its way out of soonyoung’s mouth, carrying with it an exhaustion he didn’t even know he had in him, as if it was hidden somewhere under his radar.

he holds onto it a little and chooses to face melancholy just this once. it doesn’t last, though.

with another long exhale, soonyoung lets it go.

(or maybe he locks it away even further, he’s still trying to learn the difference).

the darkness inside the bedroom embraces soonyoung like an old friend, an additional blanket on top of him.

from his bed, he listens to the sounds of the city outside. ever since he first came to seoul, they feel like music to his ears. right now, it’s a consolation of sorts: the world hasn't stopped and tomorrow is a new day to keep moving forward. it’s enough of a lullaby to get soonyoung to sleep, even if it takes some time.

the next day, wonwoo shows up in the smallest and most unexpected details just as usual.

soonyoung dances his way through them and comes out almost unscathed.
fleurissons: 96z <3 (Default)

i thought it'd be harmless

[personal profile] fleurissons 2021-12-27 09:51 pm (UTC)(link)
Ship/Member: Jeonghan/Any, Mingyu/Any
Major Tags: N/A
Additional Tags: bad habits die hard, lying in bed with someone you love while trying to convince yourself you no longer love them
Do Not Wants: None

Prompt:
Gotta catch my flight, but I want more time
Gimme one more night to be wrapped up in you, oh
And I know that I'm losing my mind
And it feels like I'm losing you twice
Is it worth the price? What have I gotten into?

— Sex (With My Ex), FLETCHER
icarusundone: (Default)

Re: [FILL] in your wake

[personal profile] icarusundone 2021-12-27 09:52 pm (UTC)(link)
oh my god!! the kmg unconditional love vs jww the mortifying ordeal of being known of it all!!
- "Tell me what’s wrong, one of them would plead, tugging at the other’s sleeve. I can fix it." kmg, builder and creator of things, being pragmatic and trying to fix the relationship because if it's broken, then there must be a way to salvage it, right— i love how u characterized him!
- "Mingyu had kept count until the numbers ticked into the double digits and he felt like he could afford to stop putting an expiration date on their arrangement. Maybe he’d never have to keep track again. Maybe this would end up working out after all." oh man, he really let himself put his guard down and believe that this would work out, and i think that's what makes it hurt more since each time they meet, he puts his barriers down a little more and lets the love bleed in a little more, which ultimately makes jww end things because he's scared of this all-encompassing love (when ur love is ur demise, oof kmg)
- "But it kept happening, and he kept letting it, like a kicked dog that always came back, clinging on to the surety of it." NOT THE KMG DOG METAPHOR, PLEASE, I AM SO WEAK
- "In his peripheral vision he saw Wonwoo nod, and go inside, and as the balcony door clicked shut he imagined he could hear Wonwoo sighing. But he’d never been very good at dreaming; maybe it was just his mind constructing a kinder fantasy, one more forgiving. One generous enough to give Wonwoo regret when there was none to be had." god, the ending is brutal, mingyu has to imagine wonwoo showing the tiniest bit of regret, like??? insane

thank u so much for writing this, this is so so so good!!
fleurissons: 96z <3 (Default)

Re: [FILL] what will they say about us?

[personal profile] fleurissons 2021-12-27 09:59 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm fresh off The Silent Sea binge-watching session with a friend so this makes me want to weep and just float into space, never to return. If he knew what a body of water actually felt like, maybe this would be what they called drowning. is a line I would think about for the next 90 business days, at the very least. Minghao waiting, Minghao loving and hating, Minghao losing--beautifully done. thank you so much for this ;______;!!

[FILL] a boat in the sea of love

(Anonymous) 2021-12-27 10:02 pm (UTC)(link)
Ship/Member: Seokhao, 97z mention
Major Tags: beach day
Additional Tags: N/A
Permission to remix: Yes

***

“We should go to the beach.” Seokmin suggests one day, eyes bright in the reflection of the morning sun, “We’ve been here for almost 3 years and I’ve never been to the Santa Monica Pier.”

Minghao uncurls from his position on the mat so he could look at where Seokmin is, half buried under the blankets. Seokmin’s expression is as awake as he ever is at 9AM in the morning. The idea of having that knowledge, of knowing what Seokmin looks like in the process of waking makes something curl warm and comforting in between Minghao’s ribs.

It feels a little like devotion, like love right on the tip of the tongue.

“Sure, when were you thinking?” Minghao asks, leaning forward again until he could feel a tug on his hamstring.

Seokmin hums, the sound of tapping coming from where Minghao can’t see and he knows Seokmin must be checking his dates and availability.

“How about next weekend? Your internship will be done, my workshop will be wrapped up and it’s the last weekend before our semester starts again.” Seokmin finally says, tilting his smartphone towards where Minghao is now arching his back to show him the calendar. “When are you done again? I mean don’t get me wrong it’s very sexy to watch but I’m bored now.”

“Yes, I’m done now.” Minghao laughs, “And it’s good for you. Yoga increases blood flow and flexibility.”

Seokmin makes a face but he’s smiling, and Minghao already knows what he wants to say, the same response from the same conversation that they have had dozens of times. He will be affectionately mocking in a way that only Seokmin could be while Minghao patiently explains the benefits of pulling your body into dozens of improbable shapes, the ways that your muscles and bones will thank you.

He hopes they will have this conversation hundreds more times, every day for the rest of his life if he had the choice.

“Yeah, let’s go next Saturday.” Minghao says before Seokmin can respond, leaning down to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth, “I miss the beach.”




Minghao packs for them because if it were left to Seokmin, they would arrive at the beach sans sunscreen and changes of clothing and anything else that wasn’t related to surfing or running barefoot through the sand. Instead, he’s relegated to helping Minghao load everything into their old beat up Toyota sedan.

From there, it’s an hour drive from their tiny apartment in the heart of Koreatown to the beach, A/C on full blast against the sweltering Los Angeles heat. Seokmin sings loudly and purposefully off tune to the songs on Minghao’s playlist and Minghao flips through the news and internet, reading anything interesting he finds. Halfway through the drive, they call up Mingyu whose all the way across the country in New York for the summer, just so Seokmin could rub it into his face that he couldn’t be at the beach with them.

“It’s not as if we can’t just go again when I get back.” Mingyu says, the sound of the radio a buzz in the background of his call.

“But it won’t be the same as the first time with us.” Seokmin trills, smug, “You’re missing the discovery and wonder.”

Mingyu audibly snorts and says, “Discovery and wonder my ass, this isn’t even the first beach we’ve been to. I bet you’re going to get sunburned,” to which Seokmin squawks indignantly and the conversation only derails further from there.

Minghao listens to Seokmin and Mingyu bicker, only stepping in before it can devolve further than petty names, their words still softened with fondness, never meant to hurt.

“Text us your flight details for next week, we’ll pick you up from the airport. We miss you.” Minghao says, and ends the call before Seokmin could interject with something childish.




It’s half past 11 by the time they arrive at the beach, the sun blistering in the sky. Seokmin voluntarily slathers on sunscreen, Mingyu’s sunburn threat clearly still lingering in his mind. Privately, Minghao doesn’t think Seokmin, who is bronzed like precious metal, is the one more likely to sunburn between the two of them.

They unload the rest of the car and Seokmin hoists the beach umbrella under his arm while Minghao carries the tote and beach chairs.. Both of them share the weight of the cooler filled with lunch and bottled water, and set off to find an unoccupied plot of sand.

“Want to join me surfing?” Seokmin asks after they’ve set up their spot.

Minghao shakes his head, already fishing for the book he’s stashed under the extra towels. “No, I’ll watch. Have fun in the sun.”

Seokmin nods, already expecting the answer, “I’ll be back soon.”

The kiss he gives leaves Minghao’s cheek warm, flushed by something other than the burning sun.




Seokmin finally finishes up a little before 4 and returns clearly ravenous. His hair is still damp but he’s already stripped out of his wetsuit back into regular beachwear. Minghao, for his part, has read less than he would have liked, constantly distracted by Seokmin trying to catch his attention from amongst the waves or in between tides. He puts away the book and holds out a towel; Seokmin dutifully sits in the other beach chair.

Minghao towels off his hair gently, running fingers through the locks bleached by the light, a field of wheat spun into gold. He doesn’t think he would ever tire of this, of the privilege of drying Seokmin’s hair after showers and rain, of seeing Seokmin close his eyes and sigh into the pressure against his scalp.

Minghao feels the thing in his chest swell, pressing against his lungs and threatening to burst with the fullness of the feeling.




They eat sandwiches as a late lunch, Minghao’s filled with mostly vegetables and Seokmin’s piled as high with cheese and meat as he feasibly could. Seokmin digs his toes into the sand, shuffling them until slyly until he’s poking the arch of Minghao’s foot, and then laughs when Minghao almost drops his sandwich at the unexpected contact. They talk about the water and Minghao’s book, small stories about work until they’re dusting crumbs off their swim shorts.

“C’mon, let’s go into the water for a bit.” Seokmin says, eyes twinkling with sincerity, reaching for Minghao.

His fingers are warm, by heat and joy, and Minghao follows willingly. If Seokmin glowed even under the most ordinary of circumstances, he was blinding under the summer sun and Minghao was enraptured by the light of him. Seokmin was fearless of the waves, dunking his whole body into the water despite the chill, and was not above splashing Minghao upon seeing his hesitation.

“C’mon you weenie, you’ve got to get a little wet at the beach.” Seokmin laughs, shaking droplets like diamonds out of his hair.

He smiles in the way only Seokmin does, without expectations, because there is something to smile about even when all else is dark. Seokmin is dazzling against the dark of the waves, the bright blue of the sky, and Minghao feels as if the ocean itself is swallowing him whole with the depth of his wanting. This was a feeling he could die with, a love so deep Mazu herself would have coveted it among her heavenly splendor.

“Of course, I’m coming.” Minghao says, and follows Seokmin into the sea.

---

I’m a little nervous posting this because ki, I suspect you will know who I am immediately but I wanted to try something. also i didn't edit any of this and most of it has nothing to do with the ocean.

title from siken, "saying your names" which has also nothing to do with any of this in actuality.
surjamukhi: (Default)

Re: [FILL] love, persevering

[personal profile] surjamukhi 2021-12-27 10:03 pm (UTC)(link)
this is so raw and beautiful, and when you write about grief you are so, so powerful. there are so many amazing lines in this; There are some things about grief only you can teach yourself. in particular says so much and feels so important. thank you so much for sharing it w us
fleurissons: 96z <3 (Default)

Re: [FILL] Deep in my enemy I find the lover;

[personal profile] fleurissons 2021-12-27 10:10 pm (UTC)(link)
oh my god!!!! mean Seokmin is everything to me. Being held down can be a victory. ???? jhgkdsjhgh ;____; now THAT is a line. The rivalry, the beginning of it all, the END of it all, they all tied in perfectly. I loved Mingyu as a Lover, who believed there was more to it than what they had, and Seokmin as...

Seokmin hates violence. But, in some sick way, violence is all he’s got. but also the Seokmin who dreamt about Mingyu (twice! and them in a happier world!) and prayed for him in the end.

(sighs strenuously) thank you, I shall retreat to my cave to recover from this :')
thesolemneyed: (Default)

[FILL]: The Warm Parts

[personal profile] thesolemneyed 2021-12-27 10:11 pm (UTC)(link)
Ship/Member: Wonwoo/Minghao
Major Tags: Past Character Death, Suicide References/Suicidal Thoughts
Additional Tags: Grief and Healing
Permission to remix: Yes

3.1k, Rated M

“I think it’s going to be easier now,” Wonwoo replies. This is the only response that feels anything like honest. “I think I’ve been waiting for you to get here.”

Minghao smiles at him. His eyes are very full. “I’m here now,” he says.

*****

How do you build a new life for yourself, after the world has ended?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/36008050
slytherminie: (Default)

Re: [FILL] can't get caught chasing memories

[personal profile] slytherminie 2021-12-27 10:19 pm (UTC)(link)
that’s just just life, isn’t it? nothing big happened, people just grow apart. isn’t it time to get used to these things? OUCH that hurts so badly. growing out of friendships and not being able to do anything about it, losing people you care about even if you still care about them. wow, i just love how you wrote soonyoung pining but staying immutable in his longing, without being able to do anything about it. feels raw and stings just right.
fleurissons: 96z <3 (Default)

Re: [FILL] just as usual

[personal profile] fleurissons 2021-12-27 10:21 pm (UTC)(link)
Thinking about “I— I do, yeah,” says Mingyu, after a beat. “You still remember?” and the post circulating Twitter dot com yesterday that goes, "Of course, I remember." is a love lang. haha </3 The arrangement of the scenes gives extra power to the punch this story delivered to my solar plexus, knowing there are echoes of the past in the future...is painful in all the best ways. thank you for writing, this is beautiful ^___^
slytherminie: (Default)

Re: [FILL] a boat in the sea of love

[personal profile] slytherminie 2021-12-27 10:30 pm (UTC)(link)
The idea of having that knowledge, of knowing what Seokmin looks like in the process of waking makes something curl warm and comforting in between Minghao’s ribs. my heartttt oh gosh. i love all the sun-related imagery tied with seokmin, i love the little bit of seokgyu bickering, and i ADORE the way minghao is just SO FOND. this truly made me smile. what a delightful read!!!
fleurissons: 96z <3 (Default)

Re: [FILL] dawning dusk

[personal profile] fleurissons 2021-12-27 10:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Something ignited, right then. Not in Wonwoo, he doesn’t think anything will again. + Wonwoo losing his lighter is so FOUL let me tell you. The tension was tightly hoven and I could feel it shatter, almost, when Hansol opened the door--the way Minghao acted felt like he was caught in the middle of something, yknow. Which, in a way, I supposed he was. Thank you for writing this!!
slytherminie: (Default)

Re: [FILL] hey where's the drum

[personal profile] slytherminie 2021-12-27 10:35 pm (UTC)(link)
nyooooooooooo this is so adorable omg!!! pls wonu is so cute and seokmin is so sweet and soonyoung is so... soonyoung. it's perfect!
greycheonsa: (Default)

Re: can we put the blame on the changing times?

[personal profile] greycheonsa 2021-12-27 10:37 pm (UTC)(link)
ahh thank you ;; i am simply so weak for these two and their weird little dynamic hehe
greycheonsa: (Default)

Re: can we put the blame on the changing times?

[personal profile] greycheonsa 2021-12-27 10:40 pm (UTC)(link)
they are a perfect fit and i can't STAND them pammie!!

and yes!! watch 17 project ep 6 and get your heart torn out and stomped on </3

Re: [FILL] heart in your headlights

[personal profile] pamantha 2021-12-27 10:42 pm (UTC)(link)
This is soooooooooo. The contrast between wonhan and soonwoo is so interesting and fleshed out, and I am wild for Soonyoung’s thrill of the chase like! That’s such a good character choice. Soonyoung’s face is lit with little stars from the dashboard, bright and glittering… Wonwoo’s heart falls out of his chest and tumbles down the cliff-side. $_$ I really loved this!!!!
greycheonsa: (Default)

Re: can we put the blame on the changing times?

[personal profile] greycheonsa 2021-12-27 10:42 pm (UTC)(link)
eee thank you!! i rly love how cheol has grown into his leadership role and taking it back to the beginning when he was still trying to find his footing just gets me right in the meow meow, especially when it came to figuring out how to handle jihoon ;__;
fleurissons: 96z <3 (Default)

Re: [FILL] in your wake

[personal profile] fleurissons 2021-12-27 10:42 pm (UTC)(link)
the additional Kim Mingyu tag did not lie because: KIM!!! MINGYU!!!!
- Mingyu had kept count until the numbers ticked into the double digits and he felt like he could afford to stop putting an expiration date on their arrangement. oh my god... wanting something to work out so bad despite that little voice inside your head telling you it won't, despite knowing the probability that it won't. sigh.
- He’d accidentally revealed how far down the waters went and Wonwoo had jumped ship as soon as he could. But it kept happening, and he kept letting it, like a kicked dog that always came back, clinging on to the surety of it. ARGH

;______; i am ruined but in the best way possible. thank you!!

slytherminie: (Default)

Re: [FILL] just as usual

[personal profile] slytherminie 2021-12-27 10:44 pm (UTC)(link)
love how you took the atmosphere of the bittersweet mv and made it something else entirely, with all the rain images and descriptions, it feel so melancholic when paired with breakups. so good!!
greycheonsa: (Default)

Re: can we put the blame on the changing times?

[personal profile] greycheonsa 2021-12-27 10:49 pm (UTC)(link)
thank YOU for prompting this!!! i am overly invested in the jicheol x words conundrum ("no words needed" vs if they don't share their feelings, they end up in this clusterfuck) and i ended up with... this. i just feel like these two aren't necessarily going to say "i love you," but they feel like they need to express something to each other, you know?
slytherminie: (Default)

Re: [FILL] love, persevering

[personal profile] slytherminie 2021-12-27 10:50 pm (UTC)(link)
Nobody teaches you the art of bidding farewell to someone you love, not when they leave and especially not when they die. just. felt.
i'll never stop saying just how much i think your words have an impact. the second person narration works so well for this, it strangles the heart and makes me feel everything in a much stronger manner. you're so great, ily.
depozyt: (Default)

[Fill]

[personal profile] depozyt 2021-12-27 10:54 pm (UTC)(link)
Ship/Member: Seungkwan/Vernon
Major Tags: N/A
Additional Tags: angst, idol!seungkwan, past betrayal, internalized homophobia (?), open ending
Permission to remix :Yes

i wrote it very spontaneously and i don't know how to tag it frankly. also, first-ever seventeen fic so I'm sorry if messed something up
***

Seungkwan isn't sure what he's doing in this district. What he can recount from yesterday's night is, in order, getting wasted, flirting with some guy, telling him about his idol years, and then somehow managing to end up in his apartment. Nothing came out of it in the end, he fell asleep on the couch and then woke up at 2 PM, made himself a pathetic breakfast consisting of a cup of black coffee and some cashews he found in the bowl standing on the coffee table.
Then, he exited promptly, the doors with an electronic lock closing behind him. All he feels is burning shame.

He knows this street, its nooks permanently carved into his memory. He'd lived here for most of his teenage years. Until he debuted, until his life forever changed. He can't say whether it was for better or for worse because he doesn't know what would happen if he never auditioned. Maybe he would've stayed here or moved to a different country. Maybe he wouldn't have to hide behind a fake name when going to a hotel just to fuck some dude who's probably cheat—

Almost tripping on the pavement, Seungkwan feels his head throb. This is enough. If he thinks too much about it, he'll panic and end up making himself feel more miserable than he already feels due to the hangover.

Looking around, he can tell that while the asphalt on the street hasn't been renovated and the street lights are covered in even more gunk than he remembers, the whole area has changed. For some reason, his heart aches and the pain isn't hard to bear, but Seungkwan still would rather not think about its source. Nothing stays the same. Not the homes he grew up around, not the playground on which he used to fight wars with sticks and plastic guns. Not even his career has remained the same throughout over a decade.

It was a different time, he catches himself excusing his treatment, they didn't mean to—he didn't mean to betray him. But it's years too late, nothing he can do to change his actions at seventeen, right before his debut.
He wonders what Hansol is doing now. Seungkwan thinks about it more than he cares to admit. Some days the questions fill his mind, making everything but shame or regret fuzzy and unfocused. There's no excuse for outing Hansol. There never had been even back then, almost fifteen years ago.

Even jealousy.

If Seungkwan remembers correctly, Hansol's father had a shop somewhere near. The two boys grew up playing together on the same street. They knew each other and maybe weren't close to call each other friends, but they got closer as teens. They both wanted to make music, see themselves one day on big billboards and perform on stage before a screaming crowd.

They auditioned together and both go in. Then, by some miracle that Seungkwan doesn't understand to this day they were selected to debut in the same group.

Seungkwan was too young to understand his feelings back then—didn't know what love felt like and what its consequences might be. He saw Hansol with another boy in their dorm. They were kissing, touching each other and Hansol looked at that boy so tenderly, with so much affection that Seungkwan's heart shattered, broke into million pieces like a car window after a crash.

His rage was blinding and just hours later he found himself talking with their manager with a slur staining his tongue. He hates himself for it. Maybe he always will.

He finds the shop, right where it stood a decade and a half ago. He opens the door and what greets him is the image of Hansol, sitting behind the cash register, scrolling on his phone. Behind him is an old ice cream commercial Seungkwan did four or five years ago. His face on the cardboard is faded, the colors washed off. Even despite that, Seungkwan thinks he didn't look as broken back then. His clean image never matched his turbulent private life.

"Hi," he says, hoping Hansol notices him.

He's older now, shallow wrinkles starting to appear around his eyes. His hair isn't dyed like it was in their pre-debut years. They both changed—Seungkwan probably for worse.

"You look like shit."

"You think I haven't noticed?" He smiles despite himself.
Edited 2021-12-27 22:55 (UTC)
slytherminie: (Default)

Re: [FILL] when the embers die down

[personal profile] slytherminie 2021-12-27 10:56 pm (UTC)(link)
currently yelling at boochan as the elric brothers my gosh this!! i love the little chan commentary between the lines and just, everything about this. prime minister yoon, i'm combusting!
greycheonsa: (Default)

Re: can we put the blame on the changing times?

[personal profile] greycheonsa 2021-12-27 11:01 pm (UTC)(link)
thank you ;; i've got it bad for jicheol and i'm glad that my characterization rang true for you! oh jihoon... i think there's definitely more he could've said, but i don't see him as someone who'd want to extend a conversation about it. instead he just wants to stew in his own thoughts </3