Status: Closed
This round has closed. It remains open for fills, comments and remixes, but prompts are no longer accepted.
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"Someone will remember us, I say, even in another time."
"How inconvenient to be made of desire."
"It's me, hi, I'm the problem its me."
Calling all readers, lovers of poetry and music, screen and stage. Quote collecters and lyric hoarders, unleash your archive. For this round, every prompt must contain a quote - you can combine them, add commentary, link to articles, do whatever. Steal from a literary classic, or copy WeVerse drama.
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look at me (but only under the sheets)
Major Tags: N/A
Additional Tags: ambiguous relationship, slight angst, wanting happiness that is within your reach but being afraid of shattering it, the fear of baring your soul naked and feeling vulnerable, happy ending
Do Not Wants: None
Prompt:
[FILL] i fear you may see my heart
Major Tags: N/A
Additional Tags: implied/referenced sex, ambiguous relationship, fwb to lovers, hurt/comfort, wanting things you don't know how to ask for
Permission to remix: Please ask
***
Jeonghan should leave. He should leave now, before Mingyu wakes up– like he usually does. He tells himself it’s easier this way, but no matter how many times he walks out, it always hurts the same. But staying is not what he does, it’s not what he and Mingyu do. It’s not how they work.
This is how they work; Jeonghan calls Mingyu late at night and asks what he’s doing. Mingyu lies and says he’s free, even if Jeonghan can hear music in the background or people talking. Jeonghan pretends he doesn’t hear it. Jeonghan goes to Mingyu’s place and Mingyu’s there, opening the door, letting him in like he’s letting in a stray cat to shelter it from a storm. They have sex in Mingyu’s bed, and before he wakes up, Jeonghan has left. Repeat.
Sometimes Mingyu calls Jeonghan, but it’s rare. Even if it’s just sex, he knows Jeonghan well enough to know not to ask for more than Jeonghan gives him. Because Jeonghan is selfish, and he’s mean, and the idea of anyone wanting him enough to call him to ask is scary.
It’s better like this, Jeonghan calling Mingyu when he wants to. He can at least pretend that it’s on a whim, that he’s already been at a party and didn’t find someone else to keep him company through the night. Jeonghan can pretend he’s not calling Mingyu because he wants him and only wants him.
Jeonghan untangles himself from Mingyu carefully, slips out of bed and picks his clothes off the floor. He lingers in the doorway for a moment, looking at Mingyu, sleeping peacefully. He can almost imagine what it would be like, if he stayed. Sometimes he thinks they could even be happy.
But Jeonghan has a bad habit of holding on to things too tightly and shattering them in his grasp, and he ends up hurting himself and the other person in the process. He doesn’t want to hurt Mingyu. He doesn’t want to get hurt.
So Jeonghan leaves.
…
The next Friday, Jeonghan’s lying on his bed, fingers wrapped around his cellphone. He stares at Mingyu’s contact for a few moments before hitting the call button.
“Minggu-yah,” he says, when Mingyu picks up.
“Hyung,” Mingyu replies. “What’s up?”
There’s noise in the background this time. Mingyu must be at a party.
“What are you doing tonight?” Jeonghan asks.
“I– I can’t tonight, hyung,” Mingyu says. “I’m at Minghao’s birthday party.”
“Oh,” Jeonghan says. That’s all he says.
“Hyung?” Mingyu says. The noise has stopped. He must have gone outside. “I’m sorry, but maybe we can–”
“It’s fine,” Jeonghan says, lying. “I’ll call someone else.”
“Hyung–”
Jeonghan hangs up.
He shoves his phone under a pillow and rolls onto his side, curling up with his knees pulled to his chest. It’s fine. Mingyu has other friends, more important friends– Jeonghan isn’t important. They’re not even friends, he and Mingyu. Whatever they are, there’s not a word for it. Not one Jeonghan knows at least.
And Jeonghan doesn’t call anyone else, there’s no one to call– he could call Seungcheol, he supposes, but Seungcheol is seeing someone now and doesn’t have time to indulge Jeonghan.
He remembers Minghao. He’d met him at a party once, and Minghao had been… nice. He was pretty, and cool, and was into art and fashion and had so much in common with Mingyu. And when all three of them were talking, Jeonghan would look at Mingyu, but Mingyu would be looking at Minghao.
He curls around himself tighter, and he tries not to think about what Mingyu’s doing, and who he’s doing it with.
…
The next day, Jeonghan runs into Mingyu at the coffee shop. He’s with Minghao, of course he is– Jeonghan tries to pretend he doesn’t notice them, but Mingyu comes up to him, tugging at his elbow.
“Hyung,” he says, with a tentative smile. “How was your night?”
Jeonghan bites the tip of his tongue before saying, “fun. What about yours?” He looks over at Minghao, who’s sitting at a table behind them. “Why’d you leave Minghao behind? Embarrassed of me, are you?”
“No,” Mingyu says, sounding slightly annoyed now. “No, I just… I wanted to talk to you. Without him.”
“Hm?” Jeonghan says, tilting his head. “Why would that be? Also, you haven’t said how your night was. But I suppose it’s obvious, given that you’re both here together.”
“No,” Mingyu says again. “No, it’s not like that.”
“Not like what?”
“I’m not having sex with Minghao,” he replies, still with that edge to his tone. But he’s gotten a little quieter, so that they’re not overheard by the other people in the shop. “Hyung, just–” he pauses, swallowing. “Can I call you tonight?”
Fuck. Jeonghan stares at him blankly, unsure of how to navigate the question. He wants to say yes, which means he probably shouldn’t.
“Not tonight,” Jeonghan says. “I’m still tired from last night. Maybe next weekend.”
Mingyu deflates, and finally lets go of Jeonghan’s elbow. He looks disappointed, but not angry. Jeonghan sort of wishes he’d get angry, but Mingyu never does.
“Alright,” Mingyu says, quietly. “I… goodbye, then.”
Jeonghan nods and grabs his coffee from the counter, and he leaves the coffee shop and hurries home. He feels like shit. Lying to Mingyu isn’t like lying to anyone else.
…
The week passes at an agonizingly slow pace, until finally Friday comes around. Jeonghan sits by his phone, having canceled his other plans. He calls Mingyu around midnight, as usual.
“Hyung,” Mingyu says, before Jeonghan can say anything. “I– I didn’t think you’d call.”
There’s no background noise this time around. Jeonghan’s heart does something weird in his chest.
“I called,” Jeonghan replies. “Are you home?”
“Yeah.”
“I can be there in thirty minutes.”
“Okay,” Mingyu says. “See you.”
“See you.”
An hour later, Jeonghan’s splayed out on Mingyu’s bed, with Mingyu hovering over him. Their clothes lie scattered on the bedroom floor, the soft moonlight the only thing lighting up the room.
Jeonghan curls a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him down for a kiss. Mingyu obliges, open mouthed and tender. Jeonghan wishes Mingyu would kill him.
“Hyung,” he says softly, pulling away again.
“How do you want me, Mingyu?” Jeonghan whispers, tracing his thumb over Mingyu’s Adam’s apple. “On my back? On my knees?”
“I want… I want you to be honest with me,” Mingyu says.
“What?”
“I know it’s not what we do, but I need– I need a little honesty, hyung,” he says. He swallows roughly. “Do you not want me to see other people?”
Jeonghan stares up at Mingyu unseeingly, he feels like he’s falling. Falling, falling, falling. He hopes he hits the ground soon.
“What makes you ask that?” Jeonghan manages, trying very hard to keep his tone neutral.
“Your reaction to Minghao,” Mingyu replies. “Even when I told you nothing happened, you still looked… I don’t know, but you didn’t look happy about it. So I want to know, do you not want me to see other people?”
“Does it matter?” Jeonghan asks. “I’m not your boss, or your boyfriend. You can do whatever you want.”
“It matters,” Mingyu says. “Of course it matters. I never– I never want you to look at me like that again. I don’t think I could take it. You were looking at me like– like I was cruel, like I was being cruel. I didn’t mean to be cruel, hyung.”
Jeonghan swallows, looking away from Mingyu. The truth is stuck in the back of his throat like a held back cough; don’t see other people. Love me. Only me.
“You can do whatever you want,” Jeonghan says again. Why hasn’t he hit the ground yet?
“But what do you want?” Mingyu asks again, stubbornly, insistently. “You never say what you want, hyung. I feel like I’m going crazy. Is this not what you want? Us, together?”
“Together?” Jeonghan croaks out, suddenly hitting the ground– it shatters underneath him like glass, sends him tumbling further and further down. Hot lava swells up underneath him. “What do you mean, together?”
“I don’t know, hyung,” Mingyu says, getting increasingly desperate. He looks like he wants to shake Jeonghan, like he wishes he could shake him like a magic eight ball and force an answer out of him. “That’s the point, I don’t know. I have no idea.”
“I don’t–” Jeonghan starts, but the words get stuck in the back of his throat again, and despite how hard he tries not to, he cries.
Mingyu is startled for a second, staring wide eyed down at Jeonghan who’s started to cry openly. The sobs rip out of him harsh and ugly, every one of them forced out of him against his will.
Jeonghan tries to push Mingyu off him, and for a second he thinks Mingyu lets him– but what Mingyu does is roll onto his side, pulling Jeonghan into his chest. Mingyu curls around him, and he lets him weep until his throat is raw with it.
When Jeonghan speaks again, it’s the rawest he’s ever been. It hurts. He feels like Mingyu has seen him more than naked; he’s seen under Jeonghan’s skin, into his bones and his heart and Mingyu has held onto him anyway. Jeonghan doesn’t understand why.
“I’m sorry,” Jeonghan sniffles, feeling very pathetic. “I’m sorry, Mingyu. You didn’t ask for this, you… you just wanted an answer. You didn’t want this.”
“That’s not true,” Mingyu says, softly. His hand comes up to stroke the back of Jeonghan’s head, smoothing over his hair. “I want this, if this is you– if this is part of you, I want it too. I just never asked for it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want it.”
“How do you do that, Mingyu?” Jeonghan asks. “How do you just say things like that? How do you ask for what you want?”
“Because I think you need to hear it,” Mingyu replies. “An eye for an eye, right?” He pauses, his hand stilling on the back of Jeonghan’s neck, fingers threading through his hair. “I don’t want to see other people. I just want you, hyung.”
Jeonghan squeezes his eyes shut. “Why is the truth so hard?”
“I don’t know,” Mingyu says. “Is it easier to lie, though?”
Jeonghan considers this for a moment before saying, “not anymore. I thought that maybe I could keep lying if it was just to myself and not to you. But I don’t like lying to you, Mingyu. Despite what it may seem like.”
“Tell me the truth, then.”
“I…” Jeonghan starts, swallowing hard. He’s clinging onto Mingyu’s shoulders. “I don’t want you to see other people, I don’t– just me. Only me. Don’t fuck anyone but me.”
“Okay,” Mingyu says, like it’s easy. Like it’s not terrifying and horrible and frightening. “I won’t.”
“Why?” Jeonghan asks.
“Because I don’t need anyone else. I just need you.”
“That’s…”
“Not possible? It is, though. I’ve already been doing it for… how long has it been, hyung? We’ve been fucking on and off for a year or so, haven’t we? I haven’t slept with anyone else for a year. Just you.”
Finally, Jeonghan pulls away enough to look at Mingyu again. And Mingyu’s eyes are filled with earnesty, and something else. Something soft and malleable.
“Really?”
“Yeah,” Mingyu says. “And I never needed anything else, I never… I wanted more, of course. But it was enough, just being able to be with you like that, because I could tell you weren’t ready and you didn’t want more. But I don’t think that’s true anymore.”
“It’s not,” Jeonghan says. He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes again. “More and more, I find myself wanting to… share things with you. Date nights, and holding hands, and… stuff like that. Things that people who just fuck every now and then don’t do.”
“I want that too, hyung.”
Jeonghan starts crying again. He wipes at his face angrily, frustrated with himself. Mingyu pulls his hands away from his face and wipes his tears away for him, and he kisses Jeonghan’s eyelids gently.
Oh, what is Jeonghan gonna do with a love like this?
Re: [FILL] i fear you may see my heart
"Jeonghan would look at Mingyu, but Mingyu would be looking at Minghao." I SCREAMED
jh crying when they were in bed because he had been stripped bare, body and soul and it must've been so tempting to lie again like he does everytime it felt like someone has called his bluff but this time he just.... couldn't. it was so nice to read, thank you for writing :)
Re: [FILL] i fear you may see my heart
(Anonymous) 2023-01-13 01:22 am (UTC)(link)