Ship/Member: soonyoung/jihoon Major Tags: little women au, first loves, sibling jealousy Additional Tags: soonyoung!amy, jihoon!laurie, seungcheol!jo, mingyu!meg the mortifying ordeal of having your feelings reciprocated, emotional insecurity and sibling-related tensions, soonhoon bickering as a love language Permission to remix: Yes
greta gerwig’s little women changed my life n i’m glad i got to revisit it a little through this fic. this is also my 5th (!!) round 2 fill / my 10th overall 17hols work this year which is a pretty neat milestone.
now it's all guessing games i'm guessing every gaze, like do you, don't you would you even stay if you did? – urs, niki
soonyoung’s spent the better part of the afternoon in the sitting room in front of his easel. the front of his translucent white button down is speckled with paint already, something his mother is bound to sigh in resignation at before dunking it in some homemade stain remover. the painting is almost done, but it isn’t quite right. he chews at his bottom lip, squinting at the floral arrangement he’d thrown together that morning. maybe the problem was there, at the root, not something he could just paint past.
the house is quiet now. almost too quiet, since seungcheol left for the city in an attempt to find someone willing to publish his book. since mingyu had moved two towns over with his wife to be closer to her family. it was just him and mother, each branch of the tree slowly withering and falling off. soon he’d be gone too. soonyoung swallows the lump in his throat, daubing paint at his canvas insistently and impressionistically. as if sheer determination alone could right a wrong.
“is this a bad time?”
the voice from the doorway behind soonyoung makes him freeze, eyes wide. it’s as if the sound had come directly from a dream. soonyoung pinches himself on the inside of his elbow, hard, and counts all his fingers one way and back again. ten. that means he isn’t asleep, mind filling the blanks with these stolen bits of happiness. he whirls around, the palette and brush once gripped in his hands now clattering onto the tarp-covered table.
“jihoon!” soonyoung’s entire face brightens when their eyes meet, and he practically launches himself across the room to land in the other’s arms. the momentum has them spinning, just a little, before jihoon sets him down gingerly on the floor with a chuckle. “i haven’t seen you since the ball auntie made me go to with her two months ago!”
it really had been one for the books. it was meant to be one of soonyoung’s last appearances as a bachelor in society, and he’d gotten absolutely smashed on champagne, though not before he and jihoon had spun around the dancefloor until the soles of his feet ached. he’d come home not long after, with his mother’s letter telling him that he’d received a proposal.
“yeah, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?” a ghost of a smile passes over jihoon’s face. “i– i traveled for a bit, after that. but it felt like time to come home.”
“well i, for one, am glad you’re back.” soonyoung declares, though his expression melts into something much more uncertain just moments after. “you’re a little late, though. seungcheol-hyung left for london about a week ago. he’s not here anymore.”
“i knew that,” jihoon replies easily. lightly. as if he hadn’t spent his adolescence chasing after seungcheol as though he were running after a kite blown in the wind further, further, further. “i’m here for you.”
soonyoung can feel his heart stop. for a moment he truly thinks this might be the end for him, between the firmness of jihoon’s gaze and the teasing way the words roll out between his lips. when he manages to speak again, his throat is impossibly dry. “what do you mean?”
“i mean – are you really getting married? to her?” jihoon’s voice is incredulous, and somehow that twists the knife he’s held to soonyoung’s beating chest in a way he never expected.
“i am, actually.” his gaze narrows, and a defiant edge creeps into his voice. “she’s – she’s a really decent person, and she set up a job and everything for mingyu, and…”
jihoon takes a step forward, closing the space between them as his voice drops lower. “if decent’s the best thing you can say about her… maybe this isn’t the right move for you.”
soonyoung retreats, inhaling a shaky breath. even after all these years, it is difficult being at the centre of jihoon’s orbit. “it’s good for the family. can’t you see that?”
“yeah, good for the family, but at what cost?” jihoon throws up his hands in frustration. soonyoung cannot help the way he flinches away, but when the other catches the movement he softens his expression. “your freedom, your art… i talked to your mother, and… what she’s asking for is too much, youngie.”
“someone had to make a sensible choice, jihoon. why not me?” soonyoung can feel the way his throat tightens, the hot pricking of tears behind his eyes a testament to the emotion swelling within him like groundwater rising, rising to the surface. his gaze falls to the floor where it stays fixed, insistent, on a little stray thread curling out of the edge of the rug. “besides, it’s not like i have any other options, or a family fortune to laze around on.”
jihoon clutches his chest dramatically, as though this age-old jibe still cuts right to his core. with one hand, he lifts soonyoung’s face so their eyes are level again, so soonyoung can see the little sparkle in his eyes. “you could always marry me, you know?”
and even though jihoon’s tone is light and teasing as it always is, soonyoung jerks his head away as if he’s been scalded. “don’t be mean,” he says, voice clipped and thin.
“what?” jihoon stares at soonyoung, at the way he’s folding in on himself like some matryoshka doll. “i’m not–”
“you are. don’t tease me about this,” soonyoung’s words somehow manage to be biting and begging all at once, and despite his best efforts he cannot smoothen over the hurt that’s crept onto his face. “i’ve loved you for years and you’ve just been too daft to see it and now that i have a real shot at a future you want me to throw it away? for a joke?”
jihoon’s shoulders fall in a sigh, his arms twitching ever so slightly at his sides as he refrains from pulling the other into his arms. “i’m serious, soonyoung,” he says gently. “i’m not trying to play with your feelings.”
“i will not be the person you settle for just because you can’t have him. i won’t.” he chokes out the words, the tears finally spilling their way free to track down his cheeks. soonyoung forces himself to bring his gaze back up, to look right at jihoon when he speaks the next sentence even as it twists his guts up inside him into knots. “not when i’ve spent my entire life loving you.”
soonyoung’s pretty sure jihoon knows. he has to. all those afternoons in their youth he’d spent chasing after seungcheol and jihoon through fields and forests even as seungcheol laughed about leaving him behind, caught in the brambles. all those evenings they’d spent at balls together dancing until they were giddy even when all of soonyoung’s siblings had bowed out and begged to go to bed. but still, to say it so baldly like this makes him feel exposed, especially when jihoon holds his eyes with that intense look of his.
“soonyoung, i– i haven’t thought of cheol like that in years. i had a crush on him when we were young, but…” he trails off, his teeth worrying at the corner of his bottom lip. “but you, soonyoung. i loved you – love you – but i just didn’t realize how much. not until your mother called with the announcement of the proposal.” his face is red and blotchy, now, and soonyoung would tease him for it if not for the fact that he’s afraid to burst the bubble of this moment.
when jihoon sets one knee on the floor and kneels soonyoung thinks he might just keel over and pass out.
he pulls out a little ring box from his coat pocket and smiles a little shakily up at soonyoung, who can only look at him in open-mouthed shock. “soonyoung-ah, i’ve waited too long. i’ve made you wait too long for this.” jihoon pops open the box, a shiny diamond winking in the light. “i want to build a life with you. one where you don’t have to squeeze yourself into being someone you’re not.”
[FILL] for fuck’s sake / i’m already yours
Major Tags: little women au, first loves, sibling jealousy
Additional Tags: soonyoung!amy, jihoon!laurie, seungcheol!jo, mingyu!meg the mortifying ordeal of having your feelings reciprocated, emotional insecurity and sibling-related tensions, soonhoon bickering as a love language
Permission to remix: Yes
greta gerwig’s little women changed my life n i’m glad i got to revisit it a little through this fic. this is also my 5th (!!) round 2 fill / my 10th overall 17hols work this year which is a pretty neat milestone.
hope u like this !!
(crossposted to ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36569350 )
***
now it's all guessing games
i'm guessing every gaze, like
do you, don't you
would you even stay if you did?
– urs, niki
soonyoung’s spent the better part of the afternoon in the sitting room in front of his easel. the front of his translucent white button down is speckled with paint already, something his mother is bound to sigh in resignation at before dunking it in some homemade stain remover. the painting is almost done, but it isn’t quite right. he chews at his bottom lip, squinting at the floral arrangement he’d thrown together that morning. maybe the problem was there, at the root, not something he could just paint past.
the house is quiet now. almost too quiet, since seungcheol left for the city in an attempt to find someone willing to publish his book. since mingyu had moved two towns over with his wife to be closer to her family. it was just him and mother, each branch of the tree slowly withering and falling off. soon he’d be gone too. soonyoung swallows the lump in his throat, daubing paint at his canvas insistently and impressionistically. as if sheer determination alone could right a wrong.
“is this a bad time?”
the voice from the doorway behind soonyoung makes him freeze, eyes wide. it’s as if the sound had come directly from a dream. soonyoung pinches himself on the inside of his elbow, hard, and counts all his fingers one way and back again. ten. that means he isn’t asleep, mind filling the blanks with these stolen bits of happiness. he whirls around, the palette and brush once gripped in his hands now clattering onto the tarp-covered table.
“jihoon!” soonyoung’s entire face brightens when their eyes meet, and he practically launches himself across the room to land in the other’s arms. the momentum has them spinning, just a little, before jihoon sets him down gingerly on the floor with a chuckle. “i haven’t seen you since the ball auntie made me go to with her two months ago!”
it really had been one for the books. it was meant to be one of soonyoung’s last appearances as a bachelor in society, and he’d gotten absolutely smashed on champagne, though not before he and jihoon had spun around the dancefloor until the soles of his feet ached. he’d come home not long after, with his mother’s letter telling him that he’d received a proposal.
“yeah, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?” a ghost of a smile passes over jihoon’s face. “i– i traveled for a bit, after that. but it felt like time to come home.”
“well i, for one, am glad you’re back.” soonyoung declares, though his expression melts into something much more uncertain just moments after. “you’re a little late, though. seungcheol-hyung left for london about a week ago. he’s not here anymore.”
“i knew that,” jihoon replies easily. lightly. as if he hadn’t spent his adolescence chasing after seungcheol as though he were running after a kite blown in the wind further, further, further. “i’m here for you.”
soonyoung can feel his heart stop. for a moment he truly thinks this might be the end for him, between the firmness of jihoon’s gaze and the teasing way the words roll out between his lips. when he manages to speak again, his throat is impossibly dry. “what do you mean?”
“i mean – are you really getting married? to her?” jihoon’s voice is incredulous, and somehow that twists the knife he’s held to soonyoung’s beating chest in a way he never expected.
“i am, actually.” his gaze narrows, and a defiant edge creeps into his voice. “she’s – she’s a really decent person, and she set up a job and everything for mingyu, and…”
jihoon takes a step forward, closing the space between them as his voice drops lower. “if decent’s the best thing you can say about her… maybe this isn’t the right move for you.”
soonyoung retreats, inhaling a shaky breath. even after all these years, it is difficult being at the centre of jihoon’s orbit. “it’s good for the family. can’t you see that?”
“yeah, good for the family, but at what cost?” jihoon throws up his hands in frustration. soonyoung cannot help the way he flinches away, but when the other catches the movement he softens his expression. “your freedom, your art… i talked to your mother, and… what she’s asking for is too much, youngie.”
“someone had to make a sensible choice, jihoon. why not me?” soonyoung can feel the way his throat tightens, the hot pricking of tears behind his eyes a testament to the emotion swelling within him like groundwater rising, rising to the surface. his gaze falls to the floor where it stays fixed, insistent, on a little stray thread curling out of the edge of the rug. “besides, it’s not like i have any other options, or a family fortune to laze around on.”
jihoon clutches his chest dramatically, as though this age-old jibe still cuts right to his core. with one hand, he lifts soonyoung’s face so their eyes are level again, so soonyoung can see the little sparkle in his eyes. “you could always marry me, you know?”
and even though jihoon’s tone is light and teasing as it always is, soonyoung jerks his head away as if he’s been scalded. “don’t be mean,” he says, voice clipped and thin.
“what?” jihoon stares at soonyoung, at the way he’s folding in on himself like some matryoshka doll. “i’m not–”
“you are. don’t tease me about this,” soonyoung’s words somehow manage to be biting and begging all at once, and despite his best efforts he cannot smoothen over the hurt that’s crept onto his face. “i’ve loved you for years and you’ve just been too daft to see it and now that i have a real shot at a future you want me to throw it away? for a joke?”
jihoon’s shoulders fall in a sigh, his arms twitching ever so slightly at his sides as he refrains from pulling the other into his arms. “i’m serious, soonyoung,” he says gently. “i’m not trying to play with your feelings.”
“i will not be the person you settle for just because you can’t have him. i won’t.” he chokes out the words, the tears finally spilling their way free to track down his cheeks. soonyoung forces himself to bring his gaze back up, to look right at jihoon when he speaks the next sentence even as it twists his guts up inside him into knots. “not when i’ve spent my entire life loving you.”
soonyoung’s pretty sure jihoon knows. he has to. all those afternoons in their youth he’d spent chasing after seungcheol and jihoon through fields and forests even as seungcheol laughed about leaving him behind, caught in the brambles. all those evenings they’d spent at balls together dancing until they were giddy even when all of soonyoung’s siblings had bowed out and begged to go to bed. but still, to say it so baldly like this makes him feel exposed, especially when jihoon holds his eyes with that intense look of his.
“soonyoung, i– i haven’t thought of cheol like that in years. i had a crush on him when we were young, but…” he trails off, his teeth worrying at the corner of his bottom lip. “but you, soonyoung. i loved you – love you – but i just didn’t realize how much. not until your mother called with the announcement of the proposal.” his face is red and blotchy, now, and soonyoung would tease him for it if not for the fact that he’s afraid to burst the bubble of this moment.
when jihoon sets one knee on the floor and kneels soonyoung thinks he might just keel over and pass out.
he pulls out a little ring box from his coat pocket and smiles a little shakily up at soonyoung, who can only look at him in open-mouthed shock. “soonyoung-ah, i’ve waited too long. i’ve made you wait too long for this.” jihoon pops open the box, a shiny diamond winking in the light. “i want to build a life with you. one where you don’t have to squeeze yourself into being someone you’re not.”