“In the cracks of light I dreamed of you, it was real enough to get me through”
***
13 November Dear Mingyu,
I’ve done some thinking, but I still can’t understand why this happened to us. I believe you; I don’t think you would do something as cruel as stand me up, and I’m sorry for doubting you before. I have reread your letters over and over, replayed the day we were set to meet again and again in my head, and nothing about the day or the circumstances of our experiences seem to be out of the ordinary, no matter if I glance at it or run through it with a fine-tooth comb.
When I think about the time I was setting out for California, I wish I could send a message to my past self, but I’m not even sure what I would tell him. And in truth, I don’t know if I would do things differently given the opportunity. My impression of you has not changed, and I hope I have not changed for you either.
I don’t even know what I’m saying at this point. Should we try to meet each other again? The thought of coming to meet you and missing you again…I don’t know if I can endure it…
Yours, Minghao
***
December 17, 2018 Dear Minghao,
I am beyond relieved to hear from you again. I’ve missed your letters—the one true, constant link between us.
Maybe I read too much science fiction as a kid, but could it be possible that we are living in parallel universes? Do you think that could be possible? I haven’t spoken of you to anyone, are you a figment of my imagination? Even if you are, I think I am in too deep to stop now…
For now, I guess we go on with the way things are. Even writing that doesn’t feel right. I want to see you, I want to be able to reach out and touch you and prove that you are real. These days, when it gets dark early, I feel more lonely. Does that happen to you? I mean, I have my friends and my job and I like where I live, but sometimes I feel like none of it will last.
Sincerely yours, Mingyu
***
28 January Dear Mingyu,
It’s been so cold here; my apartment has a draft no matter where I sit. I would love nothing more than to lie in the sun with you and have a picnic on a summer day. I don’t think time moves the same way in winter—every day feels the same.
The thought of parallel universes feels too scientific to me; I think this is something more abstract and harder to pin down. I feel like this is some kind of test; that by enduring this separation our reward will be each other?
I wish there was a way for me to prove to you that I am real. Maybe a drawing will help? I’ve enclosed a drawing of myself. I’ve never done a self-portrait before, but I think it turned out alright for what I want—an outline of myself, for you. Will whatever force that is keeping us apart grant us this much? Is it too dangerous to hope for that?
Yours, Minghao [I assure you, just as I am as real as you are, I ache for you just the same.]
***
February 12, 2019 Dear Minghao,
The drawing worked!! I can’t stop looking at it and tracing over it, it's already bent at the corners from how many times I have picked it up. Maybe I should frame it? Everything about you—all that I have in relation to you—seems precious, and I am worried the forces of the universe will take it away from me.
I try to imagine your drawing to scale, how tall are you? Maybe I’m too greedy…the drawing makes me think of how I would look in comparison to you, if I were to stand next to you. I took a picture of your drawing and developed it myself, and now your face is blown large and lifesize and pinned on my wall next to the picture of your city view from your apartment. I am enclosing a drawing of me done by my friend Jungkook. He’s a great artist, right?
I am treating today as a gift. Today, I am too relieved to question how things came to be the way they are.
Yours always, Mingyu P.S. It’s Valentine’s Day soon, what kind of flowers do you like?
***
22 February Dear Mingyu,
You are exactly as I pictured you. Nothing about this drawing is a surprise to me, even though I have never seen you before. Isn’t that strange? I too, am past reason to question anything at this point.
Yours truly, Minghao [I like chrysanthemums.]
***
March 18, 2019 Dear Minghao,
The strangest thing happened last night! I dreamed of you! At least, it felt like you. Ah, this is so hard to explain in words. I was in L.A. waiting to cross the street and I saw you waiting across the street from me. I couldn’t quite see your face, it was blurry and there were a lot of people and when we started crossing the street I couldn’t reach you in the crowd of people and then I woke up. I don’t even think you saw me, but I swear it was you. I saw you, I just know it.
Yours truly, Mingyu
***
6 April Dear Mingyu,
I got goosebumps reading your letter. I had a very similar dream the night that you had your dream. I dreamt that I had to meet Youngmi daepyo-nim at a cafe in L.A., but I was running late and I was waiting to cross the street and the light took so long to turn red and there were so many people. It was one of those dreams where you try to hurry but it feels like you’re wading through honey and everything is excruciatingly slow.
Today is your birthday, and I went to Hangang for a walk and pretended we were celebrating together. I sat for a while watching the couples, and felt the most profound sense of contentment settle over me, like fresh snow or a warm blanket. I hope you felt it too wherever you were, wherever you are.
The cherry blossoms have reached their peak now, I have enclosed a photo. I’m in the photo, but I know you won’t see me. I’m sending it anyway. A man can dream, right?
With love, Minghao [Next time I dream, I’ll look for you.]
***
April 15, 2019 Dear Minghao,
Thank you for the birthday wish. My friends came over to my apartment and I cooked for them! As we were sitting around the dinner table, I realized it was the first time in a long time that I didn’t feel lonely. It isn’t the same without you of course, but I imagined you sitting with us and meeting my friends, and it made me incredibly happy.
I’ve started keeping a dream diary next to my bed. I typically never remember my dreams, but there’s nothing more frustrating than waking up and feeling the dreams slipping away from me. I haven’t had another dream of you since March. And of course, the photograph you sent is just of the trees. Maybe it’s the changing of the seasons, but I think I’ve accepted that we can only see each other in glimpses.
With love, Mingyu
***
31 April Dear Mingyu,
I dreamed of you for the first time last night. We were at the Getty Museum and I was walking down the steps at the main entrance as you were walking up. I called your name and you looked up at me. We saw each other. I can’t believe it. Please write as soon as you can!
Yours, Minghao
***
May 10, 2019 Dear Minghao,
I SAW YOU TOO. I woke up and started writing immediately but the dream faded so quickly and I lost most of it before I could finish and my notes are so hard to read but I remember. I remember you, I remember you, and I’ll repeat it to myself all day and hold it close.
With love, Mingyu
***
19 May Dear Mingyu,
Would it tempt fate too much if we tried again? I mean—if we tried to meet again. We’ve seen each other in passing twice now, but it’s not enough. And now I feel invincible. I think our moment is just within our reach. And I’m not afraid if anything goes wrong. We always have our correspondence to fall back on if things go badly.
What do you think?
With love, Minghao
***
June 3, 2019
Minghao—yes. Yes doesn’t even cover it. Let’s meet at LACMA, for old time’s sake? I’m game for testing fate. How about July 1?
With love, Mingyu
***
14 June Dear Mingyu,
1 July can’t come fast enough. I go to work but my mind is elsewhere. I lie in bed and stare at my ceiling and I should be sleeping, I should be well-rested for our meeting, but all I want is for the days to come faster.
All my love, Minghao
***
July 1, 2019 Dear Minghao,
Tonight we are trying again. I haven’t had coffee in two weeks. I bought blackout curtains. I’ve developed the habit of taking a warm bath before bed every night. I want to make myself as relaxed as possible, but every nerve in my body is alive. I actually just got back from a run in the park, I couldn’t sit still anymore. And maybe that will ruin everything, but we can always try again, right?
Good night, my love. Yours, Mingyu
***
2 July Dear Mingyu,
I held your hand last night, and now I think I understand what it means to hold something great in my hands.
All my love, Minghao
***
First quote is from Jean Cocteau, second quote is from “evermore” by taylor swift.
Re: [remix] somewhere only we know (pt. 2)
“In the cracks of light I dreamed of you, it was real enough to get me through”
***
13 November
Dear Mingyu,
I’ve done some thinking, but I still can’t understand why this happened to us. I believe you; I don’t think you would do something as cruel as stand me up, and I’m sorry for doubting you before. I have reread your letters over and over, replayed the day we were set to meet again and again in my head, and nothing about the day or the circumstances of our experiences seem to be out of the ordinary, no matter if I glance at it or run through it with a fine-tooth comb.
When I think about the time I was setting out for California, I wish I could send a message to my past self, but I’m not even sure what I would tell him. And in truth, I don’t know if I would do things differently given the opportunity. My impression of you has not changed, and I hope I have not changed for you either.
I don’t even know what I’m saying at this point. Should we try to meet each other again? The thought of coming to meet you and missing you again…I don’t know if I can endure it…
Yours,
Minghao
***
December 17, 2018
Dear Minghao,
I am beyond relieved to hear from you again. I’ve missed your letters—the one true, constant link between us.
Maybe I read too much science fiction as a kid, but could it be possible that we are living in parallel universes? Do you think that could be possible? I haven’t spoken of you to anyone, are you a figment of my imagination? Even if you are, I think I am in too deep to stop now…
For now, I guess we go on with the way things are. Even writing that doesn’t feel right. I want to see you, I want to be able to reach out and touch you and prove that you are real. These days, when it gets dark early, I feel more lonely. Does that happen to you? I mean, I have my friends and my job and I like where I live, but sometimes I feel like none of it will last.
Sincerely yours,
Mingyu
***
28 January
Dear Mingyu,
It’s been so cold here; my apartment has a draft no matter where I sit. I would love nothing more than to lie in the sun with you and have a picnic on a summer day. I don’t think time moves the same way in winter—every day feels the same.
The thought of parallel universes feels too scientific to me; I think this is something more abstract and harder to pin down. I feel like this is some kind of test; that by enduring this separation our reward will be each other?
I wish there was a way for me to prove to you that I am real. Maybe a drawing will help? I’ve enclosed a drawing of myself. I’ve never done a self-portrait before, but I think it turned out alright for what I want—an outline of myself, for you. Will whatever force that is keeping us apart grant us this much? Is it too dangerous to hope for that?
Yours,
Minghao
[I assure you, just as I am as real as you are, I ache for you just the same.]
***
February 12, 2019
Dear Minghao,
The drawing worked!! I can’t stop looking at it and tracing over it, it's already bent at the corners from how many times I have picked it up. Maybe I should frame it? Everything about you—all that I have in relation to you—seems precious, and I am worried the forces of the universe will take it away from me.
I try to imagine your drawing to scale, how tall are you? Maybe I’m too greedy…the drawing makes me think of how I would look in comparison to you, if I were to stand next to you. I took a picture of your drawing and developed it myself, and now your face is blown large and lifesize and pinned on my wall next to the picture of your city view from your apartment. I am enclosing a drawing of me done by my friend Jungkook. He’s a great artist, right?
I am treating today as a gift. Today, I am too relieved to question how things came to be the way they are.
Yours always,
Mingyu
P.S. It’s Valentine’s Day soon, what kind of flowers do you like?
***
22 February
Dear Mingyu,
You are exactly as I pictured you. Nothing about this drawing is a surprise to me, even though I have never seen you before. Isn’t that strange? I too, am past reason to question anything at this point.
Yours truly,
Minghao
[I like chrysanthemums.]
***
March 18, 2019
Dear Minghao,
The strangest thing happened last night! I dreamed of you! At least, it felt like you. Ah, this is so hard to explain in words. I was in L.A. waiting to cross the street and I saw you waiting across the street from me. I couldn’t quite see your face, it was blurry and there were a lot of people and when we started crossing the street I couldn’t reach you in the crowd of people and then I woke up. I don’t even think you saw me, but I swear it was you. I saw you, I just know it.
Yours truly,
Mingyu
***
6 April
Dear Mingyu,
I got goosebumps reading your letter. I had a very similar dream the night that you had your dream. I dreamt that I had to meet Youngmi daepyo-nim at a cafe in L.A., but I was running late and I was waiting to cross the street and the light took so long to turn red and there were so many people. It was one of those dreams where you try to hurry but it feels like you’re wading through honey and everything is excruciatingly slow.
Today is your birthday, and I went to Hangang for a walk and pretended we were celebrating together. I sat for a while watching the couples, and felt the most profound sense of contentment settle over me, like fresh snow or a warm blanket. I hope you felt it too wherever you were, wherever you are.
The cherry blossoms have reached their peak now, I have enclosed a photo. I’m in the photo, but I know you won’t see me. I’m sending it anyway. A man can dream, right?
With love,
Minghao
[Next time I dream, I’ll look for you.]
***
April 15, 2019
Dear Minghao,
Thank you for the birthday wish. My friends came over to my apartment and I cooked for them! As we were sitting around the dinner table, I realized it was the first time in a long time that I didn’t feel lonely. It isn’t the same without you of course, but I imagined you sitting with us and meeting my friends, and it made me incredibly happy.
I’ve started keeping a dream diary next to my bed. I typically never remember my dreams, but there’s nothing more frustrating than waking up and feeling the dreams slipping away from me. I haven’t had another dream of you since March. And of course, the photograph you sent is just of the trees. Maybe it’s the changing of the seasons, but I think I’ve accepted that we can only see each other in glimpses.
With love,
Mingyu
***
31 April
Dear Mingyu,
I dreamed of you for the first time last night. We were at the Getty Museum and I was walking down the steps at the main entrance as you were walking up. I called your name and you looked up at me. We saw each other. I can’t believe it. Please write as soon as you can!
Yours,
Minghao
***
May 10, 2019
Dear Minghao,
I SAW YOU TOO. I woke up and started writing immediately but the dream faded so quickly and I lost most of it before I could finish and my notes are so hard to read but I remember. I remember you, I remember you, and I’ll repeat it to myself all day and hold it close.
With love,
Mingyu
***
19 May
Dear Mingyu,
Would it tempt fate too much if we tried again? I mean—if we tried to meet again. We’ve seen each other in passing twice now, but it’s not enough. And now I feel invincible. I think our moment is just within our reach. And I’m not afraid if anything goes wrong. We always have our correspondence to fall back on if things go badly.
What do you think?
With love,
Minghao
***
June 3, 2019
Minghao—yes. Yes doesn’t even cover it. Let’s meet at LACMA, for old time’s sake? I’m game for testing fate. How about July 1?
With love,
Mingyu
***
14 June
Dear Mingyu,
1 July can’t come fast enough. I go to work but my mind is elsewhere. I lie in bed and stare at my ceiling and I should be sleeping, I should be well-rested for our meeting, but all I want is for the days to come faster.
All my love,
Minghao
***
July 1, 2019
Dear Minghao,
Tonight we are trying again. I haven’t had coffee in two weeks. I bought blackout curtains. I’ve developed the habit of taking a warm bath before bed every night. I want to make myself as relaxed as possible, but every nerve in my body is alive. I actually just got back from a run in the park, I couldn’t sit still anymore. And maybe that will ruin everything, but we can always try again, right?
Good night, my love. Yours,
Mingyu
***
2 July
Dear Mingyu,
I held your hand last night, and now I think I understand what it means to hold something great in my hands.
All my love,
Minghao
***
First quote is from Jean Cocteau, second quote is from “evermore” by taylor swift.
thanks for reading!! come talk to me on twt!
this fic is also crossposted to ao3.