Ship/Member: Vernon/Seungkwan Major Tags: hunger games AU, minor chara death, implied violence, implied sexual content, nonexplicit underage sex, suggested noncon (not between verkwan), suggested prostitution Additional Tags: victors!verkwan, doing whatever to survive Permission to remix: pls ask a/n: could not ignore this blatant mishi bait, i've gone insane.
***
Do I care if I survive this, bury the dead where they're found In a veil of great surprises, hold to my head till I drown Should I tear my eyes out now, before I see too much? Should I tear my arms out now, I wanna feel your touch
Should I tear my eyes out now? Everything I see returns to you somehow Should I tear my heart out now? Everything I feel returns to you somehow
The first time Seungkwan sees Chwe Hansol, he’s on a chariot, clutching tightly to his younger sister’s hand, wearing the ridiculous gunmetal grey of Province 3. It’s only a glimpse, Seungkwan giving the other Tributes a cursory glance, before settling back on his own pair of siblings. The odds aren’t good for them, but Seungkwan hasn’t had his optimism stamped out of him quite yet.
This Quarter Quell is particularly insidious in reaping siblings. Seungkwan can’t imagine being in the Games with either of his sisters. Aside from a casual, “what a pair of pretty siblings,” Seungkwan doesn’t think too much on the Chwes. He has the Tribute Careers to worry about, on top of figuring out sponsors for his poor boys.
No one is expecting Chwe Hansol to win. Least of all the boy himself.
–
He doesn’t like thinking much about his own games. Kahi had been so certain Seungkwan was going to die, paying more attention to Kaeun noona, stronger and smarter than him. It made sense; Seungkwan was only fourteen, constantly crying on the train ride to the Capitol and in between training breaks. He was an afterthought, given a score of “4,” a lost cause before he even stepped foot in the area. “The 4 from Four!” is how the host introduced him at his interview.
Somehow things changed, in the first few seconds of the Games. He’s frozen in the middle of the bloodbath, watching the Careers cut down the weaker Tributes down mercilessly. A frantic Kauen seized him by the back of his shirt, dragging him into the forest before the Careers could turn their eyes on him.
I don’t want to die, he thought, clinging to her tightly. I don’t want to die.
Four years later, that sentiment is the one thing getting him through life in the Capitol. An arena he can’t fight his way out of.
–
Seungkwan remembers the minute Chwe Hangyeol dies. She and Hansol have joined an alliance with the Tributes from Five and Eleven. “The Odds” is what their little ragtag group is being called, lasting longer than the judges expect, inciting interest and intrigue. Seungkwan isn’t in the mood to care much, upset over how his poor boys were killed brutally by Two’s Careers, Minho hyung patting his back in a silent apology.
Everything changes when the boy from Five betrays them for the Career alliance, Hangyeol and the twins from Eleven, slaughtered in an ambush. Seungkwan watches it all unfold in muted horror, Hansol’s horrified scream upon finding his sister’s corpse, piercing through to his heart.
“Great television,” Kahi mutters next to him. Seungkwan thinks he’s going to be sick. The rest of the Mentors murmur about it, ratings skyrocket for the rest of the week.
The real game changer though, is how Hansol reacts when he sees the boy from Five again. They all fall silent at the way Hansol jumps him, getting his hands around his throat, squeezing hard until the cannon fires. His first kill.
“I’m sorry Gyeolie,” Hansol mutters once he’s done, head bowed.
“That’s my boy,” Ailee says through gritted teeth, a mix of pride and despair.
Seungkwan can’t take his eyes off Hansol after that. The blank, blazing fire in his hazel eyes, as he slowly but surely beats the odds.
–
“Ailee noona wants a favor,” Key tells him the next time they catch dinner together. One night Seungkwan had sung at one of Councillor Kim’s dinner parties and ran into Key after hours, kindred spirits of working late nights for the Capitol socialites that owned them.
Key had slipped a note into Seungkwan’s pocket during their brief embrace. Which is how Seungkwan finds himself in a small hole-in-the-wall, in a part of the city that he doesn’t frequent often.
Seungkwan blinks. “A favor?” he asks hesitantly. It’s rare for Victors to ask each other for help directly. The Capitol is a dangerous place to be, favors and secrets exchanged like currency. Seungkwan likes to collect them, in exchange for information he can use later.
But he can’t imagine Province Three, the Games’ most recent winners, fresh off a Victory tour, would want or need anything from him.
Key wordlessly hands him a piece of paper with an address and a door code combination. “You’ll see.”
If Seungkwan is surprised that the address is Ailee’s personal penthouse, he hides it. He bows respectfully, but Ailee ushers him in without fuss. “You’re the same age,” she whispers under his breath, nudging him towards one of the rooms. “Our youngest. I’m hoping that you can…” she trails off, and Seungkwan is floored. Hansol. She’s talking about Hansol.
The room is a mess. It reeks of alcohol, and Seungkwan is startled at the sight of a red, silken rope on the ground, clearly cut down. He swallows his anxiety, turning his eyes toward Chwe Hansol, victor of the 75th Hunger Games, this year’s shining diamond, lying on the floor, in a puddle of dried vomit.
“Are you the shrink noona sent for,” Hansol deadpans as Seungkwan cautiously approaches. There are empty pill bottles all around him. Bandages on both of his wrists. Shit. This is bad. Why did Ailee call for him? After he won his own Games, he spent an entire month inside his house, refusing to go outside. He can’t blame Hansol for acting this way. He can’t blame Hansol for wanting to escape.
That’s the thing they don’t warn the Victors. Winning doesn’t end the nightmare.
Seungkwan isn’t prepared for Hansol’s eyes. That beautiful hazel, dead and dull. A feeling that Seungkwan recognizes in himself. Nobody but another Victor could understand. Especially one that came from unlucky odds.
He doesn’t say anything. Seungkwan knows that there is nothing to be said. Nothing that can heal the hole in Hansol’s chest. Instead, he sinks down to his knees, and starts to sing. Not the flashy pop songs for his concerts or the sultry ones for Councillor Kim, but an old folk song his mother used to sing when he was young. To chase the nightmares away.
Hansol is still for a long time. Seungkwan doesn’t pay it any mind, transitioning into another when this one is finished. Eventually, Hansol throws an arm over his eyes, shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
When Seungkwan tries to get up to give him privacy, Hansol reaches out. Digs his nails hard into the flesh of Seungkwan’s wrist.
Don’t go. Hansol doesn’t speak, but Seungkwan hears him regardless.
Seungkwan stays until dawn.
–
Singing is how Seungkwan won.
Kaeun noona’s death. It was an accident, a stormy downpour as they walked up the unsteady, slippery cliffs, looking for shelter. The rock had been unsteady under their feet, and when Kaeun stumbled, Seungkwan scream matched hers as she went tumbling off the edge.
It took hours to climb down to her body. The skies had cleared, and Seungkwan threw himself next to her, sobbing apologies over and over. Then, he sang, uncaring about who’d come and find him. This was the only thing he could do for her, when she’d done so much for him. Singing for the safe passage of her soul, into the unknown. After all, he’d join her soon enough.
The next day, parachute gifts floated down to him in swarms. A miracle.
–
“You’re pretty,” Seungkwan says, taking hold of Hansol’s chin. They spend a lot of time together nowadays in the trendy studio Ailee rented out for Hansol. It was decided his talent was going to be art, so Hansol spends hours throwing oil paints on a canvas, for socialites to buy at ridiculously inflated prices. “You’ll probably get lots of bids soon. Ailee-ssi told you, right?”
Hansol is expressionless. “Did you get a lot of bids?”
Seungkwan smiles without humor. “They waited until I was sixteen at least,” is all he says. No need to ponder over all the old rich men who had wanted to take his virginity as soon as his Victory Tour was over. He didn’t have a lot to thank Kahi for at first, but in this regard he did. She wouldn’t let anyone touch him until he was of age.
Sixteen was still too young. Councillor Kim was too old. But, “Better than fourteen,” Kahi had said, the best apology she could offer.
“Are you a virgin?” Seungkwan asks, wanting to change the subject. “It’s easier when you aren’t.”
“Is it,” Hansol responds flatly, mouth pursed.
Seungkwan blinks, thrown by his reaction. Hansol does this a lot. This quiet insistence in refusing to play along with what’s expected of them, as Victors, unless Ailee begs or Seungkwan yells. Even then, he does it for them, not for him.
He has never met such a foolish Victor.
Maybe Seungkwan’s the fool, for not leaving him alone.
–
“You need to be careful around Choi Minho,” Kahi tells him the next time they’re both home in Four. His mother always invites his former Mentor over for dinner, even now when they live more in the Capitol than home. Seungkwan misses the ocean when he’s in the city, so he spends a week on the beach, swimming in the water, skin turning golden brown.
The water is always the best place to have sensitive conversations, no chance for bugs or other types of surveillance. Kahi is floating on her back as she talks, Seungkwan treading water next to her. “He’s dangerous.”
“Why?” Seungkwan asks. He knows Kahi is fond of Key, who in turn is fond of Minho. Seungkwan has always felt a little cautious of him, since he’s a Victor from Two. Career Provinces, even now in his twenties, still scare him.
Kahi sighs. “He’s dangerous, Kwan. Listen to noona.”
Seungkwan’s stomach drops at that. Hansol has been hanging around Minho a lot lately. Kahi probably knows this too, always quietly disapproving of his relationship with Hansol.
He flops onto his back, letting himself float away from the other Victor. After he’d won, before he was forced to make more appearances in the Capitol, he would spend hours in the ocean, hoping for the waves to carry him far, far away.
Seungkwan still wishes for that. Only this time, he’d take Hansol with him.
–
Sex is nothing special anymore. Seungkwan’s body is another weapon for his continued survival. He allows terrible, ungodly things to happen to him, for the sake of Tributes’ sponsors, to keep up alliances, to pay back the men who made sure he came out of the arena alive. It’s all part of the game.
Hansol, on the other hand, makes his displeasure for this part of life very clear. A rich Capitol heiress apparently wants to see them together, Seungkwan jokingly reading out the summons as Hansol moodily works on his canvas. “Ah well, this is what happens when we get photographed together, huh Sol-ah?” he teases. Hansol won’t look at him. “You can top. I prefer it up the ass anywa - “
He stops when Hansol takes the canvas, still dripping wet, and throws it down to the ground. “Don’t fucking laugh!” he snaps. Hansol’s never yelled at Seungkwan before, and he’s stunned speechless.
Hansol storms to him, grabbing his face with his paint-wet fingers. “How can you laugh about this?” He sounds pained, fingers tracing circles on his cheek. “What they want to do to us?” Hansol shakes his head, cupping Seungkwan’s face with both hands now. The look in his eyes is terrifying. “Seungkwan, I wish that - “
“Don’t,” Seungkwan whispers, shaking his head. Seungkwan is an expert in playing Games, but he will not survive Chwe Hansol. Not like this. “Hansol - don’t.”
Hansol kisses him anyway. Seungkwan lets it happen.
–
“Run away with me,” Hansol whispers once into his hair. It’s a bad year for both of them, their Tributes both dying painful, undeserved deaths. Every death is undeserved, but Seungkwan will never get used to seeing children die, scared children that he’s failed. Over and over and over -
Seungkwan doesn’t know how he used to do this without Hansol. Hansol, who holds him at night. Hansol, who lets him cry without judgement. Hansol, who is the only person who knows how to make him feel good, for real.
They could do it. With their resources, Seungkwan thinks they could actually run away. Get a boat, and sail out past Three, into uncharted waters, following rumors of other lands beyond this one.
But Seungkwan can’t leave his family, knowing they would get punished in his absence. They’ve seen it happen enough. The truth is, Seungkwan cannot afford to love Hansol, truly love him, because that’s never in the cards for Victors. Love, in their world, is the very antithesis of survival. And Seungkwan will do anything to survive.
Hansol doesn’t ask again.
–
Seungkwan does bring Hansol to Four eventually. Ten years they've known each other, and it's only now that Hansol meets his sisters and his mother. Hansol is so gentle with his nieces and nephews, Seungkwan has to excuse himself to cry in private.
"I can't swim," Hansol confesses with wide eyes when Seungkwan brings him to the ocean. Seungkwan is dismayed for a second, before shaking it off. Of course city slicker Hansol doesn't know how to swim.
"I'll teach you!" he declares, taking Hansol's hands in his. He's taller and broader, but that doesn't matter in the water. Hansol inelegantly flops around, making Seungkwan laugh so hard his sides hurt. By the end of the day he does manage to doggy paddle, looking so pleased with himself, Seungkwan can't resist kissing him.
For today, they can pretend they don't live in the world they do. They can pretend that tomorrow will be just as warm and kind as today. Seungkwan will remember this, Hansol's smile brighter and warmer than the sun on his skin, until the day he dies.
–
Key and Minho disappear once riots start up at Two and Eight, their respective Provinces. Seungkwan knows, without having to ask, that the rebellion, slowly brewing all these years, is starting to come to a boil.
Seungkwan also knows that the man he cares for more than anything is part of it too.
“Come with me,” Hansol begs in the dead of night. “Don’t let me go without you.”
Seungkwan shakes his head. “I have to be your eyes here,” he whispers. Part of him has always known that Hansol would walk down this road. Maybe it was destined the minute he lost Hangyeol. Seungkwan got into the Capitol too young, and he’s too entrenched in it to exit quietly. He’d be a liability, Minho must’ve known that too.
“Please.” Hansol sounds helpless, and Seungkwan will not cry.
He exhales. “If you want to do this,” he says slowly. “It has to be the most important thing. You can’t compromise on anything, because the Capitol will never compromise.”
Including me, goes unspoken.
“I don’t care what you do,” Hansol says fiercely. “Do what you can to survive. Make them think you’re one of them. I don’t care. Just…” Tears start to spill down Seungkwan’s cheeks. Hansol has always been a better person than him. Hansol kisses him softly, wiping the tears away. “Just stay alive. Promise me, Boo.”
He nods, not trusting his voice. If he speaks, he’ll say three words he can’t afford to, dooming them both. I don't want him to die, Seungkwan realizes. But love is a death sentence in rebellion, and Seungkwan won’t let himself be Hansol’s downfall.
[FILL] deepest, desperate downfall
Major Tags: hunger games AU, minor chara death, implied violence, implied sexual content, nonexplicit underage sex, suggested noncon (not between verkwan), suggested prostitution
Additional Tags: victors!verkwan, doing whatever to survive
Permission to remix: pls ask
a/n: could not ignore this blatant mishi bait, i've gone insane.
***
The first time Seungkwan sees Chwe Hansol, he’s on a chariot, clutching tightly to his younger sister’s hand, wearing the ridiculous gunmetal grey of Province 3. It’s only a glimpse, Seungkwan giving the other Tributes a cursory glance, before settling back on his own pair of siblings. The odds aren’t good for them, but Seungkwan hasn’t had his optimism stamped out of him quite yet.
This Quarter Quell is particularly insidious in reaping siblings. Seungkwan can’t imagine being in the Games with either of his sisters. Aside from a casual, “what a pair of pretty siblings,” Seungkwan doesn’t think too much on the Chwes. He has the Tribute Careers to worry about, on top of figuring out sponsors for his poor boys.
No one is expecting Chwe Hansol to win. Least of all the boy himself.
–
He doesn’t like thinking much about his own games. Kahi had been so certain Seungkwan was going to die, paying more attention to Kaeun noona, stronger and smarter than him. It made sense; Seungkwan was only fourteen, constantly crying on the train ride to the Capitol and in between training breaks. He was an afterthought, given a score of “4,” a lost cause before he even stepped foot in the area. “The 4 from Four!” is how the host introduced him at his interview.
Somehow things changed, in the first few seconds of the Games. He’s frozen in the middle of the bloodbath, watching the Careers cut down the weaker Tributes down mercilessly. A frantic Kauen seized him by the back of his shirt, dragging him into the forest before the Careers could turn their eyes on him.
I don’t want to die, he thought, clinging to her tightly. I don’t want to die.
Four years later, that sentiment is the one thing getting him through life in the Capitol. An arena he can’t fight his way out of.
–
Seungkwan remembers the minute Chwe Hangyeol dies. She and Hansol have joined an alliance with the Tributes from Five and Eleven. “The Odds” is what their little ragtag group is being called, lasting longer than the judges expect, inciting interest and intrigue. Seungkwan isn’t in the mood to care much, upset over how his poor boys were killed brutally by Two’s Careers, Minho hyung patting his back in a silent apology.
Everything changes when the boy from Five betrays them for the Career alliance, Hangyeol and the twins from Eleven, slaughtered in an ambush. Seungkwan watches it all unfold in muted horror, Hansol’s horrified scream upon finding his sister’s corpse, piercing through to his heart.
“Great television,” Kahi mutters next to him. Seungkwan thinks he’s going to be sick. The rest of the Mentors murmur about it, ratings skyrocket for the rest of the week.
The real game changer though, is how Hansol reacts when he sees the boy from Five again. They all fall silent at the way Hansol jumps him, getting his hands around his throat, squeezing hard until the cannon fires. His first kill.
“I’m sorry Gyeolie,” Hansol mutters once he’s done, head bowed.
“That’s my boy,” Ailee says through gritted teeth, a mix of pride and despair.
Seungkwan can’t take his eyes off Hansol after that. The blank, blazing fire in his hazel eyes, as he slowly but surely beats the odds.
–
“Ailee noona wants a favor,” Key tells him the next time they catch dinner together. One night Seungkwan had sung at one of Councillor Kim’s dinner parties and ran into Key after hours, kindred spirits of working late nights for the Capitol socialites that owned them.
Key had slipped a note into Seungkwan’s pocket during their brief embrace. Which is how Seungkwan finds himself in a small hole-in-the-wall, in a part of the city that he doesn’t frequent often.
Seungkwan blinks. “A favor?” he asks hesitantly. It’s rare for Victors to ask each other for help directly. The Capitol is a dangerous place to be, favors and secrets exchanged like currency. Seungkwan likes to collect them, in exchange for information he can use later.
But he can’t imagine Province Three, the Games’ most recent winners, fresh off a Victory tour, would want or need anything from him.
Key wordlessly hands him a piece of paper with an address and a door code combination. “You’ll see.”
If Seungkwan is surprised that the address is Ailee’s personal penthouse, he hides it. He bows respectfully, but Ailee ushers him in without fuss. “You’re the same age,” she whispers under his breath, nudging him towards one of the rooms. “Our youngest. I’m hoping that you can…” she trails off, and Seungkwan is floored. Hansol. She’s talking about Hansol.
The room is a mess. It reeks of alcohol, and Seungkwan is startled at the sight of a red, silken rope on the ground, clearly cut down. He swallows his anxiety, turning his eyes toward Chwe Hansol, victor of the 75th Hunger Games, this year’s shining diamond, lying on the floor, in a puddle of dried vomit.
“Are you the shrink noona sent for,” Hansol deadpans as Seungkwan cautiously approaches. There are empty pill bottles all around him. Bandages on both of his wrists. Shit. This is bad. Why did Ailee call for him? After he won his own Games, he spent an entire month inside his house, refusing to go outside. He can’t blame Hansol for acting this way. He can’t blame Hansol for wanting to escape.
That’s the thing they don’t warn the Victors. Winning doesn’t end the nightmare.
Seungkwan isn’t prepared for Hansol’s eyes. That beautiful hazel, dead and dull. A feeling that Seungkwan recognizes in himself. Nobody but another Victor could understand. Especially one that came from unlucky odds.
He doesn’t say anything. Seungkwan knows that there is nothing to be said. Nothing that can heal the hole in Hansol’s chest. Instead, he sinks down to his knees, and starts to sing. Not the flashy pop songs for his concerts or the sultry ones for Councillor Kim, but an old folk song his mother used to sing when he was young. To chase the nightmares away.
Hansol is still for a long time. Seungkwan doesn’t pay it any mind, transitioning into another when this one is finished. Eventually, Hansol throws an arm over his eyes, shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
When Seungkwan tries to get up to give him privacy, Hansol reaches out. Digs his nails hard into the flesh of Seungkwan’s wrist.
Don’t go. Hansol doesn’t speak, but Seungkwan hears him regardless.
Seungkwan stays until dawn.
–
Singing is how Seungkwan won.
Kaeun noona’s death. It was an accident, a stormy downpour as they walked up the unsteady, slippery cliffs, looking for shelter. The rock had been unsteady under their feet, and when Kaeun stumbled, Seungkwan scream matched hers as she went tumbling off the edge.
It took hours to climb down to her body. The skies had cleared, and Seungkwan threw himself next to her, sobbing apologies over and over. Then, he sang, uncaring about who’d come and find him. This was the only thing he could do for her, when she’d done so much for him. Singing for the safe passage of her soul, into the unknown. After all, he’d join her soon enough.
The next day, parachute gifts floated down to him in swarms. A miracle.
–
“You’re pretty,” Seungkwan says, taking hold of Hansol’s chin. They spend a lot of time together nowadays in the trendy studio Ailee rented out for Hansol. It was decided his talent was going to be art, so Hansol spends hours throwing oil paints on a canvas, for socialites to buy at ridiculously inflated prices. “You’ll probably get lots of bids soon. Ailee-ssi told you, right?”
Hansol is expressionless. “Did you get a lot of bids?”
Seungkwan smiles without humor. “They waited until I was sixteen at least,” is all he says. No need to ponder over all the old rich men who had wanted to take his virginity as soon as his Victory Tour was over. He didn’t have a lot to thank Kahi for at first, but in this regard he did. She wouldn’t let anyone touch him until he was of age.
Sixteen was still too young. Councillor Kim was too old. But, “Better than fourteen,” Kahi had said, the best apology she could offer.
“Are you a virgin?” Seungkwan asks, wanting to change the subject. “It’s easier when you aren’t.”
“Is it,” Hansol responds flatly, mouth pursed.
Seungkwan blinks, thrown by his reaction. Hansol does this a lot. This quiet insistence in refusing to play along with what’s expected of them, as Victors, unless Ailee begs or Seungkwan yells. Even then, he does it for them, not for him.
He has never met such a foolish Victor.
Maybe Seungkwan’s the fool, for not leaving him alone.
–
“You need to be careful around Choi Minho,” Kahi tells him the next time they’re both home in Four. His mother always invites his former Mentor over for dinner, even now when they live more in the Capitol than home. Seungkwan misses the ocean when he’s in the city, so he spends a week on the beach, swimming in the water, skin turning golden brown.
The water is always the best place to have sensitive conversations, no chance for bugs or other types of surveillance. Kahi is floating on her back as she talks, Seungkwan treading water next to her. “He’s dangerous.”
“Why?” Seungkwan asks. He knows Kahi is fond of Key, who in turn is fond of Minho. Seungkwan has always felt a little cautious of him, since he’s a Victor from Two. Career Provinces, even now in his twenties, still scare him.
Kahi sighs. “He’s dangerous, Kwan. Listen to noona.”
Seungkwan’s stomach drops at that. Hansol has been hanging around Minho a lot lately. Kahi probably knows this too, always quietly disapproving of his relationship with Hansol.
He flops onto his back, letting himself float away from the other Victor. After he’d won, before he was forced to make more appearances in the Capitol, he would spend hours in the ocean, hoping for the waves to carry him far, far away.
Seungkwan still wishes for that. Only this time, he’d take Hansol with him.
–
Sex is nothing special anymore. Seungkwan’s body is another weapon for his continued survival. He allows terrible, ungodly things to happen to him, for the sake of Tributes’ sponsors, to keep up alliances, to pay back the men who made sure he came out of the arena alive. It’s all part of the game.
Hansol, on the other hand, makes his displeasure for this part of life very clear. A rich Capitol heiress apparently wants to see them together, Seungkwan jokingly reading out the summons as Hansol moodily works on his canvas. “Ah well, this is what happens when we get photographed together, huh Sol-ah?” he teases. Hansol won’t look at him. “You can top. I prefer it up the ass anywa - “
He stops when Hansol takes the canvas, still dripping wet, and throws it down to the ground. “Don’t fucking laugh!” he snaps. Hansol’s never yelled at Seungkwan before, and he’s stunned speechless.
Hansol storms to him, grabbing his face with his paint-wet fingers. “How can you laugh about this?” He sounds pained, fingers tracing circles on his cheek. “What they want to do to us?” Hansol shakes his head, cupping Seungkwan’s face with both hands now. The look in his eyes is terrifying. “Seungkwan, I wish that - “
“Don’t,” Seungkwan whispers, shaking his head. Seungkwan is an expert in playing Games, but he will not survive Chwe Hansol. Not like this. “Hansol - don’t.”
Hansol kisses him anyway. Seungkwan lets it happen.
–
“Run away with me,” Hansol whispers once into his hair. It’s a bad year for both of them, their Tributes both dying painful, undeserved deaths. Every death is undeserved, but Seungkwan will never get used to seeing children die, scared children that he’s failed. Over and over and over -
Seungkwan doesn’t know how he used to do this without Hansol. Hansol, who holds him at night. Hansol, who lets him cry without judgement. Hansol, who is the only person who knows how to make him feel good, for real.
They could do it. With their resources, Seungkwan thinks they could actually run away. Get a boat, and sail out past Three, into uncharted waters, following rumors of other lands beyond this one.
But Seungkwan can’t leave his family, knowing they would get punished in his absence. They’ve seen it happen enough. The truth is, Seungkwan cannot afford to love Hansol, truly love him, because that’s never in the cards for Victors. Love, in their world, is the very antithesis of survival. And Seungkwan will do anything to survive.
Hansol doesn’t ask again.
–
Seungkwan does bring Hansol to Four eventually. Ten years they've known each other, and it's only now that Hansol meets his sisters and his mother. Hansol is so gentle with his nieces and nephews, Seungkwan has to excuse himself to cry in private.
"I can't swim," Hansol confesses with wide eyes when Seungkwan brings him to the ocean. Seungkwan is dismayed for a second, before shaking it off. Of course city slicker Hansol doesn't know how to swim.
"I'll teach you!" he declares, taking Hansol's hands in his. He's taller and broader, but that doesn't matter in the water. Hansol inelegantly flops around, making Seungkwan laugh so hard his sides hurt. By the end of the day he does manage to doggy paddle, looking so pleased with himself, Seungkwan can't resist kissing him.
For today, they can pretend they don't live in the world they do. They can pretend that tomorrow will be just as warm and kind as today. Seungkwan will remember this, Hansol's smile brighter and warmer than the sun on his skin, until the day he dies.
–
Key and Minho disappear once riots start up at Two and Eight, their respective Provinces. Seungkwan knows, without having to ask, that the rebellion, slowly brewing all these years, is starting to come to a boil.
Seungkwan also knows that the man he cares for more than anything is part of it too.
“Come with me,” Hansol begs in the dead of night. “Don’t let me go without you.”
Seungkwan shakes his head. “I have to be your eyes here,” he whispers. Part of him has always known that Hansol would walk down this road. Maybe it was destined the minute he lost Hangyeol. Seungkwan got into the Capitol too young, and he’s too entrenched in it to exit quietly. He’d be a liability, Minho must’ve known that too.
“Please.” Hansol sounds helpless, and Seungkwan will not cry.
He exhales. “If you want to do this,” he says slowly. “It has to be the most important thing. You can’t compromise on anything, because the Capitol will never compromise.”
Including me, goes unspoken.
“I don’t care what you do,” Hansol says fiercely. “Do what you can to survive. Make them think you’re one of them. I don’t care. Just…” Tears start to spill down Seungkwan’s cheeks. Hansol has always been a better person than him. Hansol kisses him softly, wiping the tears away. “Just stay alive. Promise me, Boo.”
He nods, not trusting his voice. If he speaks, he’ll say three words he can’t afford to, dooming them both. I don't want him to die, Seungkwan realizes. But love is a death sentence in rebellion, and Seungkwan won’t let himself be Hansol’s downfall.
Even if he’s Seungkwan’s.