ship/member: seokhan major tags: terminal illness, suicide additional tags: honestly thought i had outgrown writing angst but jeonghan came into my life, seokmin being seokmin permission to remix: yes, bonus if you can make this happier...
*** jeonghan doesn't mean to shout but it comes out that way, startling seokmin. the pill bottle clatters to the floor, at least it hasn't been uncapped, and seokmin instantly crouches to pick it up, hand braced on the table, covering the sharp corner. jeonghan wants to scream. he's not gonna run head first onto it but now he wants to.
"here, hyung," seokmin tries again, like jeonghan didn't just yell at him to fuck off. he keeps his eyes on the bottle as he offers it.
he knows if seokmin looks up his eyes will be shiny with tears, as if he hasn't cried about jeonghan enough in this lifetime. jeonghan is tired of it.
he's so tired of "being brave" and "hanging in there." he wanted so badly to just end it. seokmin just had to be seokmin and find him bleeding on the bathroom floor just with enough life in him to still be saved, as if he doesn't already waste every waking hour caring for him.
jeonghan isn't going to survive the cancer. he wasn't supposed to survive cutting himself either, but he did, and he killed seokmin in the process.
seokmin can't look him in the eye since he came home from the hospital, he hasn't looked at his own phone in days in case something makes him god forbid laugh or smile, he talks to jeonghan now in hushed tones like jeonghan will spook and collapse like a house of cards.
he's angry seokmin won't let him the fuck go. jeonghan wanted to stop being a burden and he went and made himself a bigger one.
he dry swallows the two tablets he was newly prescribed, goes to the counter to take the dozen other ones. seokmin watches him quietly, hand on the fridge door in case jeonghan would like water. jeonghan hates it.
he turns to return to their room.
mingyu comes in with a big box of groceries. "deliveryyy," he singsongs. he tries to put it on the table but sees the mess of medications, lab results, fresh rolls of bandages.
"i'll get it," seokmin says. he turns away for one moment to sniff back his stupid tears.
"i'll do it," jeonghan says.
"seokmin will do it, hyung, don't worry," mingyu says. he sighs. "i wish he was this diligent when we were roommates, you're so lucky, hyung."
"mingyu—"
"fuck."
jeonghan had thought: if he ended it, it would be easier. he wouldn't have to suffer and keep stringing seokmin along in his suffering. perhaps seokmin will even get mad at him, bury him in memory after he does literally. jeonghan thought that would be okay since he wouldn't be around for it.
jeonghan didn't think: seokmin would clutch at him like he is life itself, sacrifice his own bright spirit so jeonghan would hold on a little longer. it's jeonghan who is sick, it's him who tried to kill himself, and yet it's seokmin who is a ghost.
[FILL] dead thing walking around among the living
major tags: terminal illness, suicide
additional tags: honestly thought i had outgrown writing angst but jeonghan came into my life, seokmin being seokmin
permission to remix: yes, bonus if you can make this happier...
***
jeonghan doesn't mean to shout but it comes out that way, startling seokmin. the pill bottle clatters to the floor, at least it hasn't been uncapped, and seokmin instantly crouches to pick it up, hand braced on the table, covering the sharp corner. jeonghan wants to scream. he's not gonna run head first onto it but now he wants to.
"here, hyung," seokmin tries again, like jeonghan didn't just yell at him to fuck off. he keeps his eyes on the bottle as he offers it.
he knows if seokmin looks up his eyes will be shiny with tears, as if he hasn't cried about jeonghan enough in this lifetime. jeonghan is tired of it.
he's so tired of "being brave" and "hanging in there." he wanted so badly to just end it. seokmin just had to be seokmin and find him bleeding on the bathroom floor just with enough life in him to still be saved, as if he doesn't already waste every waking hour caring for him.
jeonghan isn't going to survive the cancer. he wasn't supposed to survive cutting himself either, but he did, and he killed seokmin in the process.
seokmin can't look him in the eye since he came home from the hospital, he hasn't looked at his own phone in days in case something makes him god forbid laugh or smile, he talks to jeonghan now in hushed tones like jeonghan will spook and collapse like a house of cards.
he's angry seokmin won't let him the fuck go. jeonghan wanted to stop being a burden and he went and made himself a bigger one.
he dry swallows the two tablets he was newly prescribed, goes to the counter to take the dozen other ones. seokmin watches him quietly, hand on the fridge door in case jeonghan would like water. jeonghan hates it.
he turns to return to their room.
mingyu comes in with a big box of groceries. "deliveryyy," he singsongs. he tries to put it on the table but sees the mess of medications, lab results, fresh rolls of bandages.
"i'll get it," seokmin says. he turns away for one moment to sniff back his stupid tears.
"i'll do it," jeonghan says.
"seokmin will do it, hyung, don't worry," mingyu says. he sighs. "i wish he was this diligent when we were roommates, you're so lucky, hyung."
"mingyu—"
"fuck."
jeonghan had thought: if he ended it, it would be easier. he wouldn't have to suffer and keep stringing seokmin along in his suffering. perhaps seokmin will even get mad at him, bury him in memory after he does literally. jeonghan thought that would be okay since he wouldn't be around for it.
jeonghan didn't think: seokmin would clutch at him like he is life itself, sacrifice his own bright spirit so jeonghan would hold on a little longer. it's jeonghan who is sick, it's him who tried to kill himself, and yet it's seokmin who is a ghost.