ME AS AN NHL REPORTER IN A POST-GAME PRESS INTERVIEW: so do you agree that feeling the most secure touching each other while wearing literal armour is a metaphor for the human condition? your vulnerability in these goal celebrations is offset by the fact that you aren’t actually physically touching each other; you literally can’t touch each other, and this is the only time you try. does that fact ever make you reflect on your relationships with your teammates? would you so gleefully have held him if he’d achieved a victory in his personal life, off the ice? in his home? the padding protects you in more ways than one, does it not? isn’t this the nature of human connection, played out on television screens like a soap opera? don’t you think we all watch because we want to hold our friends after their successes and console them after our losses but feel blocked by their armour? by our own?

THE NHL PLAYER WHO JUST PHYSICALLY EXERTED HIMSELF FOR A FULL HOUR WHO’S STILL OUT OF BREATH AND SWEATING AND ONLY PICKED UP 1/5TH OF WHAT I JUST SAID: uhhhh, wh— well, it’s a team effort out there, we, uhh, give it 110%—

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