Ship/Member: Seokmin/Seungcheol (background Jun/Seokmin and Seungcheol/Joshua) Major Tags: infidelity, mentioned drug use and sex Additional Tags: eternal sunshine AU, angst Permission to remix: please ask
***
“Alright,” Jun says, standing up, “I’m gonna go get some air. Is that alright, Seungcheol?”
Seungcheol doesn’t reply, focusing on his work. Seokmin likes that about him, the furrow of his brow as he does god-knows-what at the computer.
“Seungcheol?” Jun calls again.
“Yeah, that’s fine,” Seungcheol replies, still not turning away from his work.
Jun is still for a second. He seems to be deciding whether it’s worth waiting around. Then he turns to the door and leaves the apartment, as easily as if it’s his own.
It may as well be, given how long they’ve been up here. Seokmin got here at around half ten, and Jun and Chan were here at least an hour before him. Chan left to go sort something out with his new guy, and then the guy on the bed—Wonwoo? something like that?—started causing problems for Jun.
In hindsight, part of it may have been Seokmin’s fault. Once Chan left, Jun and Seokmin had the whole place to themselves. Maybe it was the weed, making Seokmin a bit too relaxed, or maybe it was the thrill of being in someone else’s house, but Seokmin and Jun couldn’t keep off each other. So what if Jun wasn’t as focused on the whole computer setup? It was on autopilot, he said, so it should all have been fine. They could have fucked. They nearly did fuck, and then Wonwoo-or-something started glitching.
Secretly, Seokmin is kind of glad they didn’t fuck. Fucking doesn’t do much for him anymore—or rather, fucking Jun doesn’t do much for him anymore. Not that he’ll tell Jun that though.
Regardless, Wonwoo-or-something glitched, which is why Seungcheol is here. Bold, smart, competent Seungcheol. He looks serious, with his razor-sharp focus and the determined glint in his eye. The lights are dim in the room, but they frame Seungcheol’s face perfectly, showing off the line of his slightly clenched jaw, the arch of his long fingers.
He cares about his work. He cares about it the way Jun should. Jun’s probably gone out for a cigarette in the middle of this sleeping guy’s brainwaves being fucked up, and he didn’t even think to ask Seokmin to join him. But that doesn’t matter. Seokmin can watch Seungcheol fix it.
“Seungcheol,” Seokmin calls from where he’s sprawled on the couch, “d’you like quotes?”
That makes Seungcheol look up. He doesn’t look confused, just curious. “Quotes?”
“Yeah, like famous ones. There’s a nice one, goes like this.” Seokmin closes his eyes tight. “‘Blessed are the forgetful, because they get the better even of their blunders’.”
Seungcheol smiles, a tentative thing. Seokmin’s heart melts.
“That’s a good one,” Seungcheol replies. “Nietzsche, right?”
“Oh. You already know it. Dammit, I feel so stupid-”
“Hey, it’s ok! It’s a great quote. I like that we both know it.”
And suddenly Seokmin feels better. It’s magical, the way Seungcheol does it. The way he makes Seokmin feel special, like they’re tied together by knowing a quote he read in Bartlett’s one time.
“You’re too nice to me, Seungcheol. There’s another one that I like, too. It’s by- fuck, is it Pope Alexander? The poet guy?”
“Alexander Pope.”
Seokmin groans, buries his face in his hands. “God, I really am the most stupid-”
“Easy mistake to make. Go on, what’s the quote?”
“It’s something like-” Seokmin closes his eyes again. “How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned.”
Seokmin opens his eyes again. Seungcheol isn’t really smiling anymore. He looks like he’s been stunned, like he’s been told some great secret.
“Did I say something wrong?” Seokmin asks.
“No, not at all,” Seungcheol replies, a little breathless. “It’s beautiful.”
“It’s poetry, right?” Seokmin gets off the sofa, wandering over to the chair next to Seungcheol’s. “Like, obviously it’s part of a poem, but it’s poetry. It’s beautiful. I’m totally dense about this kind of thing, but eternal sunshines and spotless minds… it’s powerful, you know?”
Seungcheol just turns back to the computer, nodding.
“And that’s why what you do is so great,” Seokmin adds. “You’re giving people that spotless mind. It’s like a whole new page they can use to rewrite their story.”
Seungcheol swallows. Seokmin knows because he can’t take his eyes off Seungcheol, off the golden skin of his neck, off the bob of his throat.
“It’s more complicated than that.”
“Is it?” Seokmin asks, tilting his head to the side.
“Well, I may be giving people a fresh start, but they have to give something up for that, right? Like, this guy, Wonwoo. He’ll wake up with nothing left of Mingyu. He won’t just lose the bad times, he’ll lose the good times too. Giving up all those memories… it’s not an easy thing to do. I don’t know if I could do that.”
“But once you give it up, you’re free! You get to forget all these things that have happened to you, and you get to try again! Wouldn’t it be great if you could just forget everything about someone? You wouldn’t ever be hung up on them, and you wouldn’t remember all the bad stuff they did to you. It’s like being a kid again, right? You get to do everything over, without being scared or overthinking the past or whatever. That doesn’t appeal to you a little bit?”
Seungcheol’s jaw clenches again. “No, not really.”
“I suppose it’s a good thing not everyone thinks like you, or you’d be out of a business.”
Seungcheol smiles wryly. “I suppose so.”
Seokmin can’t help the grin that spreads across his face. He likes Seungcheol, so much. Seungcheol shouldn’t be paying attention to Seokmin. Seokmin’s just the receptionist at his clinic—he shouldn’t even be here right now. But he listens to Seokmin, like Seokmin’s worth listening to, like he has something smart to say. Somehow, Seokmin can’t remember the last time someone has treated him like this, like he’s worth having a real conversation with.
He should tell him. There’s no harm in telling him, is there?
“Seungcheol,” Seokmin says, sliding onto his knees, closer to Seungcheol’s chair, “you’re lovely. You know that, don’t you?”
Seungcheol stiffens. “I- well, thank you-”
“Look at me? I want you to hear it.”
Slowly, Seungcheol turns his head towards Seokmin. The air is hyper-electric, his eyes big and full of something Seokmin can’t quite place. Seokmin’s insides feel like jelly. He can feel his breathing getting quicker, and he doesn’t know what to do with his hands.
“Seungcheol,” Seokmin breathes, “I can’t- I need-”
“What?”
Seungcheol puts a hand on Seokmin’s shoulder to brace him, and that’s when Seokmin leans in and kisses him. Seungcheol doesn’t kiss back, though. He’s frozen against Seokmin, turned to stone, Gorgon-like.
Seokmin pulls back. “Oh God. I’ve fucked it up, haven’t I, I’m so sorry-”
“Seokmin, no, please, it’s not you, it’s just- you know I’m married, don’t you?”
“I do, I do, but-” Seokmin grips his hair. “I just thought- I didn’t think, I just-”
“Seokmin.”
A warm hand tilts Seokmin’s chin up. He lets go of his hair, silently begging for Seungcheol to forgive him. Seungcheol doesn’t. He gets off his chair, kneels opposite Seokmin, and kisses him again.
Seokmin didn’t know he could feel as happy as this. He didn’t know that his limbs could feel so warm, that sparks could shoot through him like this. He pulls Seungcheol in closer, gripping at his waist, wanting more and closer and everything and-
A car horn honks outside. Long and loud. Seungcheol pulls away, goes to the window to see what the matter is, says,
“Oh God.”
“What? What is it?”
“My husband. He’s here. I need to go outside.”
Not looking at Seokmin, he runs out of the apartment. Seokmin follows him into the piercing night air. He sees Jun, standing near the clinic van, and next to that there’s Seungcheol, leaning down to a car window. The car starts to drive off, and he runs after it.
“Joshua!” Seungcheol calls. “Please, this was just a one-time mistake.”
Seokmin instinctively rushes to catch up.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “It won’t happen again, I’m just a stupid guy with a stupid crush, I practically made him do it, so don’t be-”
The car suddenly brakes. Joshua turns to look at them. He’s handsome, sharp. He doesn’t look like he’s caught his husband kissing someone else.
“What?” he asks, frosty-voiced.
“It’s all my fault, so don’t-”
“Seungcheol. You didn’t tell him?”
“Tell me what?”
Joshua turns to look at Seokmin, smiles mirthlessly. “You can have him. You did.”
With that, he drives off. Seungcheol lets him, not taking his eyes off the car until it turns away.
“Seungcheol,” Seokmin asks, “what does he mean?”
Seungcheol turns towards Seokmin, but doesn’t look at him. “We have a past. We had an affair. And then you wanted the procedure done. You wanted to get over- you know.”
Seokmin’s heart falls away. He wants to crumble to the ground.
“I’m sorry you had to find out this way,” Seungcheol continues. “I have to finish the job upstairs, but we can talk about this. Ok?”
Seokmin doesn’t move. His limbs feel dead. All he can do is watch as Seungcheol heads back to the apartment. His head is swimming, his thoughts curling away like the misty air he breathes out. He doesn’t notice footsteps coming towards him until he hears,
“Hey. Seokmin.”
Jun’s standing there, hands in his pockets.
“What?” Seokmin asks, voice cracking.
“Lift home?”
“Did you know about this?”
“Know- about your procedure? No, God no.”
“And you didn’t know me and Seungcheol were…”
Jun fidgets a little. “Well, there was one time. You were at his car, and you were talking to him, and you looked- happy. Happy and secretive, I guess. But I never saw you two together afterwards so I thought I was making it up. I should have-”
Seokmin shakes his head. “Don’t.”
Jun sighs. “I really like you, Seokmin. You know that, right?”
Seokmin does. He can’t look Jun in the face.
“I’ll get my stuff in the morning,” he says.
And with that he walks to the clinic, staring at the ground the whole time.
***
“Ok, do you want to just tell me what you remember?”
“Yeah. I liked you from the start. It was hard not to like you, Seungcheol. You really noticed me. Not in like a creepy way, but in a way that felt like you cared. You never talked down to me. People talk down to the receptionist a lot, and we all know I’m not the smartest, but you never made me feel like that. Even though you’re smart. I wanted to impress you so bad, you know? Pretending to know all these big words and quotes. But you must have seen right through me. It didn’t matter, though. I wanted everything with you. I wanted to shack up with you, properly. I wanted to live with you, I wanted us to take care of each other as we grew old. Stupid, right? Given how married you were. But your marriage didn’t seem to matter to you. What we had together made me so happy, happier than I ever knew I could be, and- oh Seungcheol, I don’t think I can do this.”
“We agreed, didn’t we? It’s best for both of us.”
“I know, but- I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know what I’ll do without you.”
“You’ll live. And so will I. We have to. You said we have to, right?”
“I know, I know, but- God, it’s hard. I want you. I want so much. I guess that’s why I have to let this go, but it’s still hard. And I-”
The door opens. Seokmin hits pause on the file, quickly wiping his eyes.
“Seokmin?”
Seokmin’s blood freezes.
“Seokmin,” Seungcheol continues, walking towards him, “please tell me you weren’t playing your file.”
Seokmin watches as Seungcheol gets closer, gradually illuminated by the lone amber light.
“I have a right to know, don’t I?” he says, lacklustre.
“Look. You chose to get the procedure done. We both did. We both thought it best for you to move on, and we decided this was the best way to do it.”
“Nobody told me it would be like this. How was I supposed to know?”
“I didn’t want you to forget me, you know,” Seungcheol says, louder than before. “You think I did? I wanted you to remember me well, and to think of me as someone who was kind to you and who loved you. I didn’t want to forget you either, otherwise I would have had it done myself. But you were so desperate to move on. You wanted me out of your head so badly that you wanted the procedure, so I did it for you. I just- I wanted to take care of you.”
“What?” Seokmin snaps. “Take care of me? You think that was taking care of me? Seungcheol, you sat there for god knows how long, listening me tell you how much I adored you, and you did nothing! I told you everything, and you did nothing! You never even tried!”
Seokmin doesn’t try and stop the fresh tears stinging his eyes. Seungcheol says nothing.
“You know what?” Seokmin continues. “When I played that file, I wasn’t surprised by what I said about you. I still think you’re as charming and clever and kind as I did then. But what I didn’t know was how much I could feel. I didn’t know I was capable of loving you that much, of wanting you that much. I didn’t know just how much I wanted to care for you. I didn’t know how happy I could be. But now I realise there was a part of me that was that happy, that could feel so much and love so deeply, and I don’t have that part of me anymore. I’ve lost a part of me. You have it. And now I can never get it back.”
Through Seokmin’s tears, Seungcheol blurs into the light. Seokmin can’t bear to look anymore. He turns his head away, wiping fiercely at his eyes.
“Seokmin,” Seungcheol says, voice hollow, “I don’t want you to-”
“Please,” Seokmin whispers. “Please just leave. I’ll have my two weeks on your desk tomorrow morning.”
Seokmin leans on the table, buries his face in his hands. He hears footsteps getting further away. The door closing. Silence. Then his own sobs echoing through the room.
***
Dear Mr Jeon,
My name is Seokmin Lee. You won’t remember me, but I am the receptionist at the Lacuna clinic. If you receive this, it’s because you came to the Lacuna clinic to have your memories of a particular person erased. I don’t know who that person was, and it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you have the files and the CD accompanying this letter. The files and CD have everything you’ll need to know about the memories you erased, and why you did it.
You might be wondering why I’m sending this back to you. It’s because I’ve decided that this clinic is horrible. It’s a horrible thing to do, to take someone’s memories away. I used to think it was a great idea, giving someone a fresh start, without remembering someone you can’t have anymore. But I have come to realise that it’s not just the other person that you’ll forget. It’s yourself. You’ll forget who you were around this person, and you’ll forget how this person changed you. Who you were back then is part of who you are now. You shouldn’t be able to lose that so easily.
I’m sure you had a good reason for wanting to erase those memories. Maybe they’re painful. Maybe they remind you of something you couldn’t fix, someone you couldn’t know, someone you couldn’t be with no matter how hard you tried. But it’s the trying that counts, right? It’s the trying that makes it all worth it. It’s the trying that tells you you’ve lived. And I think we should all remember that. Our memories, however bad, tell us that we’ve lived.
Maybe this wasn’t the smartest idea. Maybe you’ll never even look at these files. Maybe they’ll go straight in the trash. But please, at least think about it. Listen to the CD. You might find something that you thought you lost a long time ago. I promise that it’s worth it.
[REMIX] versions of these belong to you
Major Tags: infidelity, mentioned drug use and sex
Additional Tags: eternal sunshine AU, angst
Permission to remix: please ask
***
“Alright,” Jun says, standing up, “I’m gonna go get some air. Is that alright, Seungcheol?”
Seungcheol doesn’t reply, focusing on his work. Seokmin likes that about him, the furrow of his brow as he does god-knows-what at the computer.
“Seungcheol?” Jun calls again.
“Yeah, that’s fine,” Seungcheol replies, still not turning away from his work.
Jun is still for a second. He seems to be deciding whether it’s worth waiting around. Then he turns to the door and leaves the apartment, as easily as if it’s his own.
It may as well be, given how long they’ve been up here. Seokmin got here at around half ten, and Jun and Chan were here at least an hour before him. Chan left to go sort something out with his new guy, and then the guy on the bed—Wonwoo? something like that?—started causing problems for Jun.
In hindsight, part of it may have been Seokmin’s fault. Once Chan left, Jun and Seokmin had the whole place to themselves. Maybe it was the weed, making Seokmin a bit too relaxed, or maybe it was the thrill of being in someone else’s house, but Seokmin and Jun couldn’t keep off each other. So what if Jun wasn’t as focused on the whole computer setup? It was on autopilot, he said, so it should all have been fine. They could have fucked. They nearly did fuck, and then Wonwoo-or-something started glitching.
Secretly, Seokmin is kind of glad they didn’t fuck. Fucking doesn’t do much for him anymore—or rather, fucking Jun doesn’t do much for him anymore. Not that he’ll tell Jun that though.
Regardless, Wonwoo-or-something glitched, which is why Seungcheol is here. Bold, smart, competent Seungcheol. He looks serious, with his razor-sharp focus and the determined glint in his eye. The lights are dim in the room, but they frame Seungcheol’s face perfectly, showing off the line of his slightly clenched jaw, the arch of his long fingers.
He cares about his work. He cares about it the way Jun should. Jun’s probably gone out for a cigarette in the middle of this sleeping guy’s brainwaves being fucked up, and he didn’t even think to ask Seokmin to join him. But that doesn’t matter. Seokmin can watch Seungcheol fix it.
“Seungcheol,” Seokmin calls from where he’s sprawled on the couch, “d’you like quotes?”
That makes Seungcheol look up. He doesn’t look confused, just curious. “Quotes?”
“Yeah, like famous ones. There’s a nice one, goes like this.” Seokmin closes his eyes tight. “‘Blessed are the forgetful, because they get the better even of their blunders’.”
Seungcheol smiles, a tentative thing. Seokmin’s heart melts.
“That’s a good one,” Seungcheol replies. “Nietzsche, right?”
“Oh. You already know it. Dammit, I feel so stupid-”
“Hey, it’s ok! It’s a great quote. I like that we both know it.”
And suddenly Seokmin feels better. It’s magical, the way Seungcheol does it. The way he makes Seokmin feel special, like they’re tied together by knowing a quote he read in Bartlett’s one time.
“You’re too nice to me, Seungcheol. There’s another one that I like, too. It’s by- fuck, is it Pope Alexander? The poet guy?”
“Alexander Pope.”
Seokmin groans, buries his face in his hands. “God, I really am the most stupid-”
“Easy mistake to make. Go on, what’s the quote?”
“It’s something like-” Seokmin closes his eyes again. “How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned.”
Seokmin opens his eyes again. Seungcheol isn’t really smiling anymore. He looks like he’s been stunned, like he’s been told some great secret.
“Did I say something wrong?” Seokmin asks.
“No, not at all,” Seungcheol replies, a little breathless. “It’s beautiful.”
“It’s poetry, right?” Seokmin gets off the sofa, wandering over to the chair next to Seungcheol’s. “Like, obviously it’s part of a poem, but it’s poetry. It’s beautiful. I’m totally dense about this kind of thing, but eternal sunshines and spotless minds… it’s powerful, you know?”
Seungcheol just turns back to the computer, nodding.
“And that’s why what you do is so great,” Seokmin adds. “You’re giving people that spotless mind. It’s like a whole new page they can use to rewrite their story.”
Seungcheol swallows. Seokmin knows because he can’t take his eyes off Seungcheol, off the golden skin of his neck, off the bob of his throat.
“It’s more complicated than that.”
“Is it?” Seokmin asks, tilting his head to the side.
“Well, I may be giving people a fresh start, but they have to give something up for that, right? Like, this guy, Wonwoo. He’ll wake up with nothing left of Mingyu. He won’t just lose the bad times, he’ll lose the good times too. Giving up all those memories… it’s not an easy thing to do. I don’t know if I could do that.”
“But once you give it up, you’re free! You get to forget all these things that have happened to you, and you get to try again! Wouldn’t it be great if you could just forget everything about someone? You wouldn’t ever be hung up on them, and you wouldn’t remember all the bad stuff they did to you. It’s like being a kid again, right? You get to do everything over, without being scared or overthinking the past or whatever. That doesn’t appeal to you a little bit?”
Seungcheol’s jaw clenches again. “No, not really.”
“I suppose it’s a good thing not everyone thinks like you, or you’d be out of a business.”
Seungcheol smiles wryly. “I suppose so.”
Seokmin can’t help the grin that spreads across his face. He likes Seungcheol, so much. Seungcheol shouldn’t be paying attention to Seokmin. Seokmin’s just the receptionist at his clinic—he shouldn’t even be here right now. But he listens to Seokmin, like Seokmin’s worth listening to, like he has something smart to say. Somehow, Seokmin can’t remember the last time someone has treated him like this, like he’s worth having a real conversation with.
He should tell him. There’s no harm in telling him, is there?
“Seungcheol,” Seokmin says, sliding onto his knees, closer to Seungcheol’s chair, “you’re lovely. You know that, don’t you?”
Seungcheol stiffens. “I- well, thank you-”
“Look at me? I want you to hear it.”
Slowly, Seungcheol turns his head towards Seokmin. The air is hyper-electric, his eyes big and full of something Seokmin can’t quite place. Seokmin’s insides feel like jelly. He can feel his breathing getting quicker, and he doesn’t know what to do with his hands.
“Seungcheol,” Seokmin breathes, “I can’t- I need-”
“What?”
Seungcheol puts a hand on Seokmin’s shoulder to brace him, and that’s when Seokmin leans in and kisses him. Seungcheol doesn’t kiss back, though. He’s frozen against Seokmin, turned to stone, Gorgon-like.
Seokmin pulls back. “Oh God. I’ve fucked it up, haven’t I, I’m so sorry-”
“Seokmin, no, please, it’s not you, it’s just- you know I’m married, don’t you?”
“I do, I do, but-” Seokmin grips his hair. “I just thought- I didn’t think, I just-”
“Seokmin.”
A warm hand tilts Seokmin’s chin up. He lets go of his hair, silently begging for Seungcheol to forgive him. Seungcheol doesn’t. He gets off his chair, kneels opposite Seokmin, and kisses him again.
Seokmin didn’t know he could feel as happy as this. He didn’t know that his limbs could feel so warm, that sparks could shoot through him like this. He pulls Seungcheol in closer, gripping at his waist, wanting more and closer and everything and-
A car horn honks outside. Long and loud. Seungcheol pulls away, goes to the window to see what the matter is, says,
“Oh God.”
“What? What is it?”
“My husband. He’s here. I need to go outside.”
Not looking at Seokmin, he runs out of the apartment. Seokmin follows him into the piercing night air. He sees Jun, standing near the clinic van, and next to that there’s Seungcheol, leaning down to a car window. The car starts to drive off, and he runs after it.
“Joshua!” Seungcheol calls. “Please, this was just a one-time mistake.”
Seokmin instinctively rushes to catch up.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “It won’t happen again, I’m just a stupid guy with a stupid crush, I practically made him do it, so don’t be-”
The car suddenly brakes. Joshua turns to look at them. He’s handsome, sharp. He doesn’t look like he’s caught his husband kissing someone else.
“What?” he asks, frosty-voiced.
“It’s all my fault, so don’t-”
“Seungcheol. You didn’t tell him?”
“Tell me what?”
Joshua turns to look at Seokmin, smiles mirthlessly. “You can have him. You did.”
With that, he drives off. Seungcheol lets him, not taking his eyes off the car until it turns away.
“Seungcheol,” Seokmin asks, “what does he mean?”
Seungcheol turns towards Seokmin, but doesn’t look at him. “We have a past. We had an affair. And then you wanted the procedure done. You wanted to get over- you know.”
Seokmin’s heart falls away. He wants to crumble to the ground.
“I’m sorry you had to find out this way,” Seungcheol continues. “I have to finish the job upstairs, but we can talk about this. Ok?”
Seokmin doesn’t move. His limbs feel dead. All he can do is watch as Seungcheol heads back to the apartment. His head is swimming, his thoughts curling away like the misty air he breathes out. He doesn’t notice footsteps coming towards him until he hears,
“Hey. Seokmin.”
Jun’s standing there, hands in his pockets.
“What?” Seokmin asks, voice cracking.
“Lift home?”
“Did you know about this?”
“Know- about your procedure? No, God no.”
“And you didn’t know me and Seungcheol were…”
Jun fidgets a little. “Well, there was one time. You were at his car, and you were talking to him, and you looked- happy. Happy and secretive, I guess. But I never saw you two together afterwards so I thought I was making it up. I should have-”
Seokmin shakes his head. “Don’t.”
Jun sighs. “I really like you, Seokmin. You know that, right?”
Seokmin does. He can’t look Jun in the face.
“I’ll get my stuff in the morning,” he says.
And with that he walks to the clinic, staring at the ground the whole time.
***
“Ok, do you want to just tell me what you remember?”
“Yeah. I liked you from the start. It was hard not to like you, Seungcheol. You really noticed me. Not in like a creepy way, but in a way that felt like you cared. You never talked down to me. People talk down to the receptionist a lot, and we all know I’m not the smartest, but you never made me feel like that. Even though you’re smart. I wanted to impress you so bad, you know? Pretending to know all these big words and quotes. But you must have seen right through me. It didn’t matter, though. I wanted everything with you. I wanted to shack up with you, properly. I wanted to live with you, I wanted us to take care of each other as we grew old. Stupid, right? Given how married you were. But your marriage didn’t seem to matter to you. What we had together made me so happy, happier than I ever knew I could be, and- oh Seungcheol, I don’t think I can do this.”
“We agreed, didn’t we? It’s best for both of us.”
“I know, but- I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know what I’ll do without you.”
“You’ll live. And so will I. We have to. You said we have to, right?”
“I know, I know, but- God, it’s hard. I want you. I want so much. I guess that’s why I have to let this go, but it’s still hard. And I-”
The door opens. Seokmin hits pause on the file, quickly wiping his eyes.
“Seokmin?”
Seokmin’s blood freezes.
“Seokmin,” Seungcheol continues, walking towards him, “please tell me you weren’t playing your file.”
Seokmin watches as Seungcheol gets closer, gradually illuminated by the lone amber light.
“I have a right to know, don’t I?” he says, lacklustre.
“Look. You chose to get the procedure done. We both did. We both thought it best for you to move on, and we decided this was the best way to do it.”
“Nobody told me it would be like this. How was I supposed to know?”
“I didn’t want you to forget me, you know,” Seungcheol says, louder than before. “You think I did? I wanted you to remember me well, and to think of me as someone who was kind to you and who loved you. I didn’t want to forget you either, otherwise I would have had it done myself. But you were so desperate to move on. You wanted me out of your head so badly that you wanted the procedure, so I did it for you. I just- I wanted to take care of you.”
“What?” Seokmin snaps. “Take care of me? You think that was taking care of me? Seungcheol, you sat there for god knows how long, listening me tell you how much I adored you, and you did nothing! I told you everything, and you did nothing! You never even tried!”
Seokmin doesn’t try and stop the fresh tears stinging his eyes. Seungcheol says nothing.
“You know what?” Seokmin continues. “When I played that file, I wasn’t surprised by what I said about you. I still think you’re as charming and clever and kind as I did then. But what I didn’t know was how much I could feel. I didn’t know I was capable of loving you that much, of wanting you that much. I didn’t know just how much I wanted to care for you. I didn’t know how happy I could be. But now I realise there was a part of me that was that happy, that could feel so much and love so deeply, and I don’t have that part of me anymore. I’ve lost a part of me. You have it. And now I can never get it back.”
Through Seokmin’s tears, Seungcheol blurs into the light. Seokmin can’t bear to look anymore. He turns his head away, wiping fiercely at his eyes.
“Seokmin,” Seungcheol says, voice hollow, “I don’t want you to-”
“Please,” Seokmin whispers. “Please just leave. I’ll have my two weeks on your desk tomorrow morning.”
Seokmin leans on the table, buries his face in his hands. He hears footsteps getting further away. The door closing. Silence. Then his own sobs echoing through the room.
***
Dear Mr Jeon,
My name is Seokmin Lee. You won’t remember me, but I am the receptionist at the Lacuna clinic. If you receive this, it’s because you came to the Lacuna clinic to have your memories of a particular person erased. I don’t know who that person was, and it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you have the files and the CD accompanying this letter. The files and CD have everything you’ll need to know about the memories you erased, and why you did it.
You might be wondering why I’m sending this back to you. It’s because I’ve decided that this clinic is horrible. It’s a horrible thing to do, to take someone’s memories away. I used to think it was a great idea, giving someone a fresh start, without remembering someone you can’t have anymore. But I have come to realise that it’s not just the other person that you’ll forget. It’s yourself. You’ll forget who you were around this person, and you’ll forget how this person changed you. Who you were back then is part of who you are now. You shouldn’t be able to lose that so easily.
I’m sure you had a good reason for wanting to erase those memories. Maybe they’re painful. Maybe they remind you of something you couldn’t fix, someone you couldn’t know, someone you couldn’t be with no matter how hard you tried. But it’s the trying that counts, right? It’s the trying that makes it all worth it. It’s the trying that tells you you’ve lived. And I think we should all remember that. Our memories, however bad, tell us that we’ve lived.
Maybe this wasn’t the smartest idea. Maybe you’ll never even look at these files. Maybe they’ll go straight in the trash. But please, at least think about it. Listen to the CD. You might find something that you thought you lost a long time ago. I promise that it’s worth it.